Drowning in my past
by Crime-ShowAddiction
Summary: When her mother commits suicide, Bella Harmon is left without a guardian, until her half-brother Spencer Reid decides to take custody of her. Bella struggles with the aftermath of her mother's death as well as traumatic childhood experiences. Some chapters rated M for mature content.
1. Chapter 1

**Drowning in my past**

Overview: Bella Harmon, who is 15 years old, has been living with her mother and abusive step-father after her father, William Reid, abandoned her and her mother at age seven. Her step-father later died from a drunk driving accident, leading her mother to become depressed. Her unexpected death leads to her daughter moving in with the half-brother she never knew she had.

Please keep in mind that this is my first story ever, so any critical comments or private messages will be appreciated. Please review so I can take in ideas for my future chapters.

When I turned the key in my front door on that dreary August afternoon, a feeling in the pit of my stomach told me my life was about to completely change.

I was right.

As I opened the door, I tossed my keys onto the granite counter and hung my leather jacket on the back of a kitchen chair.

"I'm home."

"Hello?"

Expecting to find my mother cleaning, I climbed the stairs and took a left to enter my mother's room. I slowly creaked open the door, trying to avoid scaring my mother. Instead of finding my mother folding the laundry or cleaning the bathroom sink like usual, I found her hanging.

_Hanging from the golden chandelier in her bedroom._

My hands fly up to frame my pale face, which has tears streaming from my sapphire blue eyes. I collapse on the wooden floor, sobs emerging from my chest._ "How could this happen?" _I asked myself.

I glance up at my mother, her dark hair matted and her baby blue eyes vacant as a blank page. Her body hung from the ceiling, limp as a rag doll.

_Crash._

As I try to stand up, my legs give out and I land on the floor, face first. I crawl against the dirty wooden floor, reaching up for the phone on my mother's night-stand. _"Come on, come on, please have a signal, PLEASE."_

"_911. What's your emergency," I hear a woman say on the other end of the phone._

"Help please. My mother's dead…." I shudder at the thought of my mother being dead, hoping this is a nightmare. My body begins to vibrate violently, shaking as sobs wrack through my chest.

"_Miss, are you still there? Can you give me your address and name? Are you hurt?"_ the woman asks.

"My name is Isabella…Bella Harmon…..Um,…my address is 1023 Shallow Water Lane, and I live in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania…." I whisper through the phone, starting to lose my voice from the shock of the situation.

"Okay ma'am, we'll be there soon, we need you to hold tight."

Thirty minutes later, I'm sitting outside my house on the edge of an ambulance, dreading the next few hours of my life. Fatherless, motherless, and orphaned. _Wonderful._

The only thing providing me with comfort is the red, sanitized blanket which the paramedics gave me while they examined me for injuries. No tears emerge from my eyes; my mind is unable to process the situation I just witnessed.

"_Ma'am, we're going to take you down to the police station for your statement, and then you will most likely be placed in a foster home until other arrangements can be made. Is that okay?" _the woman asks me with pity.

"Yeah, I suppose," I respond, emotionless.

Three hours later, I'm sitting at the police precinct in Pittsburg with all of my belongings when a brown haired, green-eyed police-woman approaches me. She tells me a bunch of lies; that everything is going to be okay, and that my half-brother Spencer will be taking custody of me as soon as possible, which is tomorrow morning._Yeah. Right. No one has ever cared about me before, why should they care now? _After our discussion, the police-woman leaves me alone in the police station, surrounded by strangers, waiting for my half- brother to come pick me up. Slowly, as the adrenaline in my blood wears down, I fall into a deep sleep on the couch I've been sitting on for the last few hours.

"_Bella? Bella Harmon? Are you there?"_ calls the police-woman that I talked with earlier. I slowly lift my eyelids and look sleepily in her direction, having just woken up from my restless night of sleep.

I stand up from the couch, my blonde tangled hair and purple bags under my eyes telling everyone at the precinct the little amount of sleep I got last night.

"Yes?"

"_Your half-brother is here to pick you up."_

"Oh great, another person to abandon me," I mumble under my breath, realizing the crappy situation I'm in.

I walk up to my brother and the police-woman. I immediately notice the similarities between us; the v-shaped chin, bright smile, and thin build. He smiles at me, probably hoping to make a good impression. _"Hey, I'm Spencer," _he says.

"I'm Bella," I respond, trying to avoid the awkward greeting as much as possible. _I'm just ready to get out of here._

After I had grabbed all of my belongings from the precinct and greeted my half-brother, Spencer drove us to his apartment. As I glanced out the window during the car ride, my mind started to wander.

"_What's going to happen to me?"_ I think to myself. "_I'm just a nobody."_

Okay guys, I hope you liked the first chapter. I have no idea how long I'm going to make this story and don't know the exact storyline yet, so hang tight. (:

If you guys have any suggestions or comments, I suggest you send a pm or a review.

Thanks for your time(:


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, I hope ya'll liked the previous chapter. I can't wait to get started on this story, and any reviews or private messages would be appreciated. Thanks so much (:**

As Spencer and I arrived at his apartment complex, we carried my few possessions up the second floor, where Spencer lives. He turned the key in the door, and we entered an apartment that any normal person would consider a library. The walls were littered with books ranging from crime to romance novels. His apartment-_our apartment, I had to remind myself,-_did have a slightly homey feeling. The green couch in the middle of the room provided the room with warmth and security.

"_Um, Bella, your room is this way…If you want to follow me I can show you it..." _my half-brother said awkwardly. Having nothing better to do, I followed him into a small, cream colored room. Although the walls were blank, there was a large, elegant mirror on the perpendicular wall to my bed, and a quote above it saying, "_There is a thin line that seperates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."_ The corners of my mouth tug upwards into an almost undetectable smile while reading this, not realizing how much this quote applies to my life.

The bedspread is cream with yellow flowers blooming on top of it, not too young for a teenager, but not too old either. Yellow and grey pillows are positioned on top of the bedspread so perfectly that I can tell how much effort Spencer put into making the room presentable for a teenage girl. "Thanks Spencer," I murmur, trying to be polite to my host. _"It's nothing,"_ he says,_ "well; I guess I'll leave you to your own business now." _ He shuts the door softly as he exits the room.

Finally. I'm alone at last.

_Alone to feel the pain, the suffering and the hurt. Alone to cry my eyes out and have no one to judge me. Alone to do whatever I like. And last of all, alone for no one to abandon me, like everyone always does._

_Come on Bella, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you're better than this. Your mom would have wanted you to be strong for her—for you._

Suddenly everything hits me, like I've all of the sudden walked into a wall of glass. And the glass shatters. I remember that my mom is dead. _And I'll never see her again. At least I won't see my step-dad again either…_My mind drifts off into a billion different thoughts, becoming an undecipherable language; completely chaotic and unreasonable.

Then I see a black leather book on the floor of my bedroom, in the midst of my unpacked belongings. _My Scrapbook._ I pick it up, looking at the pictures, almost like I'm continuing my life from those moments; the good and the bad. There's a picture on the front cover of me in my Easter dress with my mom and dad, before he abandoned us. _"Oh the good times," _I think to myself. While the beginning of my childhood had good memories- _ones of rolling in the grass with my parents and baking cookies-_ they soon were sucked into an abyss, leaving my life in distress. I turn a few pages, pondering the moments until I come onto a picture that was taken on my fifteenth birthday; my step-dad had just been in his accident and had not survived. My mom was a nervous wreck, turning to drugs, not realizing the hell Rob put us through.

_The beatings. The alcohol. The violence._

On a normal school day, I would stay at school as long as possible, not wanting to return home, fearing what my step-father would do when faced with the imperfections of our family. I would hide in my bedroom while doing my homework, trying to ignore the constant screams of my mother being hit. I knew it was only a matter of time until he unleashed his anger on me, and he started turning his attention to me around my eleventh birthday, continuing until the day he died. While I realized the horrors of my life, my mother could never relate, leading her to her eventual death.

"_Why you, WHY YOU..." I whisper. "My whole life, you were the only thing I had to hold on to, and you abandoned me, HOW COULD YOU?... You're not the only one who had it rough, if only you knew the things he put me through…The things he did to me…_

Tears run down my face as my eyes are turning a deep shade of pink. My silent sobs continue until there is no sadness left-_nothing left to feel.I am completely numb with pain. _I pull myself up off of the floor and wipe my eyes, realizing how much mascara must be spewed all over my face. As quietly as I can, I tiptoe into the bathroom and turn on the water to get in the shower.

As I shower, I let the steamy water cleanse me, rinsing away all of my sorrows until the water runs cold. As I wrap a forest-green colored towel around my petite body, I look down at my wrists._ "Almost healed. But not for long," _I think to myself, wondering how much longer it will be until a blade will drag across my skin, blood flowing freely from my wounds, onto the bathroom floor, the evil pouring out of my body. Cleansing my soul.

_Bella, STOP IT, you can't do that now, Spencer will know something is up. Wait for a few more days until he's less focused, just wait a little bit longer._

"_All right,"_ I think to myself. Just a few more days without my routine; it's almost like a drug, leaving me addicted and allowing me to escape from the harsh realities of my pain.

After I get dressed into a maroon sweatshirt and boy shorts, I lie on my bed, drawing a girl floating in water, the water symbolizing me and the water symbolizing my sins; _not that anyone else would notice though. _Art is about the only thing that helps me escape the harsh reality I'm living, _well, besides cutting._

Suddenly , I hear a knock on my door. "Come in," I say, knowing Spencer will be calling me to eat dinner. _"Hey, is there anything you would like for dinner?" _he asks. "Um, a salad would be fine, I'm not very hungry at the moment," I drift off, knowing the path ahead of me will be a long one. "_Well okay then, I'll just pick up some salads from Panera Bread, I should have them back here in a few. Give me a call if you need anything," _he says as he points toward the phone on my nightstand. I nod as he walks out the front door and drives off to buy our dinner.

As he returns, we eat in silence. He most likely feels awkward about the situation I'm in, and I know that I'm not in the mood for talking about my feelings, so I dismiss myself and go off to bed, even though it is likely I will be up all night because of my sleep insomnia.

When I wake up in the morning, it's about 7 a.m. _Well, I got 4 hours of sleep, that's not so bad._ I slowly climb out of bed and walk into the kitchen, planning to make a cup of coffee. As I walk out of my room, I see a lean figure sitting at the table. "Spencer? What are you doing up this early," I ask him. _"Well, I couldn't sleep, but because you're up this early, I'm assuming you couldn't either. Want some coffee?" _ He asks as he holds up the coffee pot. "Um...yeah, with a little bit of cream and three sugars," I reply.

After he hands me my coffee, we stare out the kitchen window, viewing the smog-filled city in which Spencer lives. "_Lovely view isn't it?"_ Spencer says. "_Did you know that the state of California has the most smog filled cities? So this is not even the worst it gets," _he says, starting to ramble about the environment of my new hometown. As I listen to his randomly intriguing facts, I sip my coffee, zoning off into my little world.

_Maybe living with Spencer won't be so bad after all._

"Hey Bella, we need to be heading off to the BAU in about an hour, so you're going to need to be ready by then, is that okay?" Spencer asks.

"Yeah, I'll be ready by then," I reply, standing up and retreating to my bathroom.

I put on my foundation, cover-up, smokey-grey eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara. I look in the mirror._ "It doesn't matter how pretty you are if there's no one there to care," _my conscience replies to my glance. My eyes swim with tears. As I wipe away the stray tear on my left cheek, I take a breath and re-apply my face powder. _That's better._ I quickly pull on my black and grey tie-dye tank top and my blue-jean capris. I pull on my red toms before I go outside to meet Spencer in the car.

After I brush through my hair quickly in the car, I walk into the BAU office with Spencer, following behind him because I'm a nervous wreck inside. _What if no one likes me? Oh wait, they won't because obviously no one did before, they abandoned you, didn't they? _I look down at the floor as I walk, my confidence shattered by my low self-esteem.

As we walk through the doors, everyone turns to stare—they obviously haven't been informed about me, making me feel even more self-conscious. _He didn't want any of his friends knowing he has a pathetic little sister, obviously._ Spencer and I walk up the small flight of stairs to reveal a group of professional individuals-_probably his co-workers._

"_Reid, who may this lovely lady be?"_ a dark skinned, rather handsome man says to his co-worker. "Oh, um…hey guys, this is my half-sister, Bella," he says, looking down towards the ground, waiting for the awkward introduction to pass. _"You have a sister? Since when?" _

"Come on Morgan, cut them some slack," says his co-worker. "I'm Emily, by the way," she says, holding out her hand for me to shake. I take her hand and give it a small shake, hoping to get the introductions done as fast as possible. She gives me a small smile, showing her perfect white teeth. "_Nice to meet you," _I reply.

The rest of his co-workers greet me as well, trying to be extremely friendly and figure out my life story. _Typical FBI agents. _"So Bella, why have we never heard of you before now?" a blonde, flamboyant lady asks me. "I'm Garcia," she says, shaking my hand with extreme energy. I look at the floor and glance at Spencer, trying to hint to him that he should tell them of my situation. _If I speak about my mom, I'll start crying. And I won't be able to stop. And that is not the kind of baggage they need. It's not the kind of baggage for anyone. _I sigh and start to walk to the bathroom while everyone is looking at Spencer, confused as to what is going on.

"_Her mother passed away two days ago, and I was called in by the police department to take custody of her," _Spencer said quietly. "_Apparently, when Bella came home from school, she found her mother hanging from her chandelier."_ The room went quiet. Everyone's faces looked shocked, even Hotch. _"And that's how I got custody of her," _Spencer said, holding the attention of the profilers in his very own hands.

When I came back from the bathroom, I got sympathetic stares. _Is this really necessary? _After talking with the team for a minute, Rossi invited the whole BAU to his house for dinner, including me, in a couple of days. The BAU team was anxious to get to know me, which I was not completely comfortable with.

"_Well, I'm not looking forward to that," _I thought, feeling once again self-conscious. There is only one thing I can think about—cutting—and I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking until I feel the razor in my fingertips once again, slaying the demons from inside my body.

**Hey guys, I hope ya'll liked this chapter. Next chapter I will be starting to talk about Bella's self-harming and maybe the start of some health-problems, as well as her hobbies, and a deeper connection with the rest of the team. I'm trying to drag out Bella's emotions to make the story more interesting. I will try to update this story daily. Please rate/ send me a pm if you have time, I would appreciate it so much. If you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to tell me. Have a lovely day. (: 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, this chapter is going to involve abuse and some flashbacks, just FYI. This chapter is rated M.**

Chapter 3:

_The next evening:_

As I'm sliding into my light green mini- dress for dinner at Rossi's house, which I'm sure will be extravagant because he's practically a millionaire—I examine my wrists, slowly healing, but almost ready to be cut open again. I feel the longer I restrain from cutting, the more pain and numbness will overtake me when I give in to my desires. _Some bangles would be good to cover these up._ I pick up the gold bracelets and slide them onto my thin wrists, perfectly covering the scars. I slip on a pair of tan sandals with yellow flowers on the strap, perfect for an occasion like this. They remind me of my mom.

She gave these to me on my previous birthdays that were originally hers. My mother had a passion for shoes; so giving up these shoes for me was a big deal. They were the last thing she ever gave to me. Just wearing them makes me an emotional wreck, but with the dress I'm wearing for the occasion, _"They're the only thing that would match," as my mother would say._

Before tears can fall from my eyes, I'm redirected into the moment by Spencer's voice. "Bella, we should be leaving soon, we don't want to be late to Rossi's, otherwise Morgan will be on our case." As I quickly apply some thick, black mascara and golden eye-shadow, I respond to Spencer, telling him I'll be down in a few moments.

To be honest, I don't know my half-brother very well, and I think I avoid getting to know him because of my father. I'm afraid of all the memories and emotions he will give back to me; _abandonment, helplessness, vulnerability. _I feel bad for distancing him from me, but I don't want him to get too attached, because with attachment comes love, and love ends up walking out the door on me every single time I allow my heart to take over my actions. Although love is the best feeling in the world originally, I eventually end up drowning in its clutch.

As I climb downstairs, Spencer looks at me, shocked at how well I can clean up. "Hey you ready to go? You look great by the way," he says.

"Yeah, let's get going." _Let's get this done and finished with._

As we're driving to Rossi's house, which is a good 30 minute drive from Spencer's house, he decides to strike up conversation. "Hey Bella, how are you feeling about your mother? I know it must be hard to lose a family member like that." I gulp, feeling my heart start to spazz in my chest. "I'm fine," I say coolly, not wanting him to get involved with all the emotional baggage I carry.

He pulls over the car, off of the highway and parks the car. I stare at him, my eyes sending confusion and a slight bit of sadness to his. "Bella, I need you to tell me the truth, I can see how this must be tearing you apart, and I can't bear to see you bottle yourself up anymore; anyone who has been through an event such as witnessing a suicide is obviously not going to be okay. You need to talk to someone, and I'm here for you," he said. He had obviously thought this over. As I started to speak, my voice almost cracked, showing my vulnerability. "Yeah, it's going to take time I guess, I just have to hope it will get better," I say, partially speaking the truth, but also partially lying. _I don't think I will ever get over this. My body starts to shake, and shift positions to try to hide my emotion from my older brother. _"Bella…It's okay, I'll help you through this. Just know I'm here for you. When you're ready, I'm here," he says sincerely, laying his hand on my knee, making me flinch unintentionally. "_He's going to figure out the abuse someday you know," I think to myself. "Yeah, but it can wait,"_ I think to myself, pondering about how I should react to the situation.

"…Thanks Spence, it means a lot."

"I hope so," Spencer says, giving me a sad smile, not even fully aware of the demons I'm currently fighting. "You ready to go inside?" I nod, stepping out of the car and walking up to Dave's front door.

His house is beautiful. It's a cream colored, 3 story building, with lush vines and blue and yellow flowers flowing over the top of the house. The windows have blue curtains, looking fresh and new, as well as the brown wooden door and pebbled walkway making his home seem like a house out of a fairytale. Dew sits on top of the bright, luscious grass, giving the outside of his home a scent of freshly mowed grass.

Spencer knocks on the door, making a harsh thudding sound in response. Rossi opens the door, welcoming us into his home, along with Garcia, Hotch, Emily, JJ, and Morgan. I'm complimented on how great I look-_although I don't feel so good-_and we all take a seat at the dinner table. We're eating fettuccine alfredo, a vinaigrette salad, and chicken parmesan. Everyone starts eating, famished, and start talking-_interrogating-_ me in the middle of dinner. Not to make matters worse, I haven't eaten much since my mom's death, and eating this much is going to make me feel sick. _I can feel the need to purge_, but I shove the feeling back into the pit of my stomach as I'm shoveling the food down my throat.

"So, Bella..." Hotch starts, "how are you settling into your new home?" Everyone turns their eyes to me, their eyes glowing like hawks. I can feel the tension run up my veins, constricting my body position. The profilers seem to notice as well, and they relax in their chairs, leaving me a cozier environment to talk in. "Um, it's okay," I say, smiling at Spencer. "My room is really nice, and I've got almost everything unpacked from my old house." Hotch, sensing my discomfort, changes the topic to his wife and son, to my relief. I pick at my salad, pretending to be engrossed in my food, when really, I just want to be alone.

_Is it bad to want to be alone? I don't want to cry in front of strangers, to seem weak and feeble. Being tough on the outside is my only option, even though I feel like knives are stabbing me from the inside out. I fiddle with my hands, not wanting to talk, going into my own little world. I don't know how long I can control the memories for._

Before I know it, I'm having uncontrolled flashbacks, and probably a panic attack sometime soon.

_I'm walking into my mom's room again, seeing her hang there. I'm crying, shaking on the floor, like a leaf. I'm dialing 911 again, thinking—hoping—this is a dream. _

_Then all of the sudden the scenery changes, this time the setting being in a cold, dark apartment corner; where we lived when my dad was alive._

"_You BITCH," my stepdad yells. "You spent all of our money to let Bella go on a FIELD TRIP?" he says with rage. "That money was for me. Do you know how hard I work to provide us with money, with food, with CLOTHES ON OUR BACKS? NO? I DIDN'T THINK SO!" Rob says as he kicks my mother in the stomach, blood flowing onto the cream colored carpet. He kicks her. Again. Again. And Again, until she stops moving._

"_I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO TO BED!" He tells me, furious and drunk. "YOU'RE NO GOOD, JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER…I BET YOU'RE BETTER IN BED THAN HER THOUGH," he slurs as he shoves me against the wall, pinning my legs against his. I can feel him through my shorts, and I struggle to remove myself from his grip. "YOU'RE NOT ESCAPING THIS TIME, IZZY."_

_He shoves me onto the bed, removing his boxers, making me perform oral sex with him, his manhood growing in size and making me gag. He makes me swallow him and caress him. Tears stream down my face, showing my vulnerability._

_The worst hasn't even come yet._

_He pulls off my clothes, leaving me totally nude. He shoves into me, hard, making me cry out in agony. It hurts so much; I just want it to be over._

_He moves in and out of me, progressively getting faster, and making me ache everywhere. My head pounds, adrenaline pumping my blood, catching my breath. As he hits his orgasm, he releases into me, and I can feel his juice flow into me. It's disturbing, but I know when I'm silent, he doesn't hurt me as bad._

_Doesn't smack me around as much. _

_As he pulls out of me, he punches and kicks me everywhere exposed "Wasn't that fun, Izzy?" he sneers. I just lay on the bed, waiting for him to leave._

_But he never does._

_*While the team is eating dinner:_

"So, Bella, are you enjoying your summer holiday?" Emily asks.

"Belllaaa?" she repeats.

The team looks at me, although I am unaware, already emerged in a deep nightmare, about to go into a catatonic state.

"Hotch, I think she's having a flashback," Morgan says, going over to pat me on the shoulder. "It's okay hun, it's okay." He touches my shoulder, making me flinch and panic even more.

"She's having a panic attack," Spencer says. _"I obviously didn't realize how traumatic this has been on her…." _

_I go into another flashback—one of my mother taking sleeping pills, drinking and driving, being reckless; I'm watching the effects of my abusive step-father's death take its toll on her._

_It clearly did._

I'm once again replaying the moment of when I found my mother hanging from the chandelier when I hear a voice calling my name.

"Bella, it's okay, take some deep breaths," the comforting voice says.

Wanting to escape my memories, I obey the voice, trying to breathe.

All of the sudden, I slip out of my panic-attack, seeing blurs of colors.

As my contacts focus, I see everyone is staring at me. Garcia is blotting away tears. JJ and Emily look shocked, Hotch looks worried and sympathetic, and Morgan and Spencer look frightened and deeply grieved.

_Oh shit._

_Everyone saw that flashback didn't they?_

I look around the room frantically, eyes welling up with tears and cheeks flushing in embarrassment. As I stand up to get out of the house, I trip over the chair in a hurry to escape the scrutiny I'm under. _I'm such a klutz._ I run out of the house, running in different directions, I don't care where I'm going, anywhere but here is paradise.

I keep on running for what seems like hours, my heart and lungs pounding out of my chest. Buckets of water are pouring out of my eyes, and I just keep on running. Running from the insanity that was my life.

And is my life.

I finally approach a somewhat abandoned area, and sit down in front of an old, sturdy tree. I cry. And cry. And cry.

I sob for my mother, who had her life taken away by addictions and her former husband—my step-father. I sob for the beatings that were given and taken. I sob for the grief of abandonment and the grief of death. I sob because the angels took my mother too soon; they took her too soon to save me.

I sob for loneliness, for the moments of physical and emotional agony. For my step-father, for him coming to ruin our lives and I cry for my father leaving me.

_I'm just not good enough for anybody…_

Suddenly, I hear a set of footsteps—_two sets of footsteps._

I feel two pairs of arms surround me.

I look up and see Hotch and Emily, looking concerned. I bury my face in my chest, and continue quietly sobbing. Hotch pulls out a hanker chief and hands it to me. I give him a look of appreciation and blot my tears, staining the hanker chief. I start to hand it back to him, but start laughing at the look of disgust he gives me when I try to do so. He and Emily pull me into their arms, trying to comfort me.

Once I catch my breath and regain my composure, I start speaking. "How did…you guys find me?" I said with thought. "I ran for miles, and miles. I just wanted to be alone."

"We know sweetie," Emily whispers. "We found you by tracking your cell-phone." _Of course they tracked my cell-phone, they're FBI agents._ "You know, you don't have to go through this alone, we're all here for you." I glance up and see Emily and Hotch's comforting gazes. _Yes I do. _"How much did everyone hear?" I ask, wondering if they know about the rape and abuse. "We only heard you scream, 'not her, not her, take me instead,' she said sadly. Her worries are written all over her face, she is obviously concerned about me.

"Come on, let's take you home, everyone is getting worried, especially Spencer," said Hotch. Noticing my shaky legs and tired composure, they lift me up into the FBI van they had drove to Rossi's house and take me home.

**Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was quite interesting to write. Please review if you have time, any criticisms/praises will be appreciated. Suggestions are welcomed! Next chapter I will be talking about the impact of Bella's panic attack on the team and herself. I will also definitely start her health problems and cutting. I will try to update this story tomorrow, but I have a ton of band stuff going on, so it might be Thursday.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

**Hey guys, sorry this chapter took longer to update! I had trouble getting it to flow how I wanted it to. I had to stop writing it to eat dinner, and when I came back, I had lost total concentration and inspiration.**

***Btw, to the people being confused about the main character's name, her name is Bella. I'm currently writing another story with a girl named Jenna, and I was writing the stories at the same time, and accidently wrote the wrong name in the wrong story.**

**Thank you for the follows and reviews, they make my day!**

**Hope you are liking this story. XOXO. **

Silence fills the air as Hotch and Emily drive me back to the apartment. The car ride is peaceful; it has started to rain, and the light tapping of rain on the car windows is comforting. It makes me tired, and I feel like falling into a deep coma, but I know that won't happen because Spence will be furious with me when I get home.

We pull up to the house, and Hotch turns off the engine of the car. We unbuckle our seatbelts and walk into the apartment with a comfortable silence hanging over our heads.

As I turn the doorknob of my apartment, I feel a negative aura in the room. Sure enough, there's Spencer, looking furious and worried. JJ, Morgan, and Rossi are sitting on the couch submissively, not wanting to interrupt any discussion that my brother and I are about to have.

Garcia, on the other hand, senses my discomfort, and rushes up to me and hugs me. Reid does not approve, giving Garcia a glance that could kill. Garcia takes the hint and sits down, knowing that whatever pretty-boy is about to speak about is very emotional. None of his work associates have ever seen him lose his temper like this. _Ever._

_All of the sudden, the atmosphere of the room becomes very tense._

"What the hell, Bella?" Spencer yells. "You just took off, not worrying about your safety or anything, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, what were you thinking?" Spencer says, remembering the incident at Rossi's house.

"I was thinking that I needed a moment to myself, and let me remind you that I'm fifteen years old, not five. I don't need parental supervision 24/7, for your information."

Spencer just looks at me. "Let me remind you that you are a minor, and that while you are under MY roof, you will obey MY rules. I don't care if you 'needed to think', you should have told me where you were going first! You could have been hurt!" Spencer responds, raising the volume of his voice.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"From what I just witnessed, you are emotionally unstable and could've done some real damage to yourself. That panic attack back at Rossi's house? Yeah, that was a little more than nothing. You are not in the state of mind to be making decisions for yourself at this time in your life. So yeah, I think I will be telling you what to do until your attitude changes."

"What attitude?" I yell. "I'm perfectly fine; I don't know what you're talking about!" I respond, furious that he is bringing this topic up while a bunch of profilers are sitting on the couch staring at us.

"WHAT ATTITUDE?" Spencer says sarcastically. "Your moody, depressed attitude, THAT'S what. I saw the prescriptions and medications; I saw the anxiousness and insecurity. You flinch whenever you make contact with anyone. Don't tell me this is nothing, this is starting to look like more than the effects of a suicide. You shouldn't be reacting this much to something like this. Your emotions are sky-high and I don't know how much more of it I can take. You need help. You need a therapist."

"Because having a therapist helps everything, doesn't it?" I say incredulously while rolling my eyes. "And yes, I'm just overreacting over everything aren't I? You don't even KNOW me, you don't know half the shit I've been through," I cry, about to burst into tears. My face contorts in anger, gaining color by the second. I run into my room, slamming the door, making the paintings on my walls shake. The bookshelves shake as well, making some of the books fall.

_That was SO low of him. I could cry right now, punch everything in sight. I don't need to be told how weak I am, I already know. He doesn't have the right to judge me and he certainly doesn't know the horrors of my life. He doesn't know that every moment from my tenth birthday to present has been shit. I've been tortured, raped, beat, bullied, and everything else imaginable. I was even drugged and drowned, for crying out loud. I have burn marks trailing down my back in the shape of a zigzag from cigarettes and a stab wound scar on my abdomen. HE DOESN'T KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT ME. _

All of the sudden I start sobbing uncontrollably, making it hard to breathe. I punch my pillow, throw my lamp at my door, and kick my dresser, which is going to leave a nasty bruise on my foot.

_I look at the mirror. I don't like what I see. I see a rotten excuse for a human being standing there, helpless and pathetic. As soon as I take one look in that mirror, I know what it's time to do._

***Meanwhile in the living room of Spencer's apartment **

***Spencer POV**

JJ's face goes pale and Garcia starts to cry as Bella storms out of the room. Morgan and Rossi are frozen to their seats, and Hotch and Emily are looking concerned while staring at her bedroom door.

I just stand here, my feet glued to the floor, not moving a muscle. _What have I gotten myself into?_

"Spence, she needs comforting and support," says JJ, gazing into my eyes. "She's obviously had a hard life," starts Hotch, but Morgan interrupts. "You need to talk to her," Morgan says to me. "I don't know half of what she's been through, but from what I can see, she's traumatized to the point where she is afraid to make human connections." Garcia looks at Morgan, continuing on the point. "She needs support and needs to trust again. She feels abandoned. If you need me to move up the girls' night to tonight or tomorrow night, she can stay at my place for a few nights until she gets her emotions in check," says Garcia, making eye contact with JJ and Emily, who nod their heads in agreement. "We'll join them," JJ says, making eye contact with Emily. "But she should have a night alone to calm down, so we'll do the girls' night tomorrow."

I just stare into space, feeling like absolute shit. _I just yelled at my half-sister. She lost her dad, step-dad, and witnessed her mom's suicide and I just screamed my lungs out at her. My throat goes dry. I need to make this right. I'm worried, and don't want anything to happen to her. I long to talk to her, but I know deep-down that it will take time for her to open up. I just yelled at a girl who has had the roughest life of a teen I have ever heard of._

Realizing my gigantic mistake, I start to walk towards Bella's room. "I need to talk to her…"

"Spence, stop, give her space. She needs time to breathe." JJ says.

I nod my head and knock on her door. "Hey Bella, would you want to spend the night at Garcia's tomorrow?" I ask.

I can hear the relief in her voice when she says yes, and I leave her alone to her business.

"You guys should probably leave now, sorry for the inconvenience," I say.

"It's no problem," says Hotch. "Your sister needs help, and that's all that matters."

***Back to Bella POV**

As I hear the front door slam, I know the FBI agents have left the apartment.

_I lock my door._

I take the pink razor into my hand.

_My hand quivers._

_I slide the sharp end of the razor across my arm._

_The blood flows out like a waterfall; fast and smooth. _

_I do this over and over until my body is sufficiently cleansed._

_Until the pain takes over my problems._

Once I finish, I hop in the shower, rinsing off my cuts. The burning of my cuts makes me forget all of the things worth forgetting. I cleanse my body for as long as I can, until the water runs cold. I blot my cuts and moisturize them and then pull the bed sheets over my body, waiting for a blanket of sleep to come over me, although it almost never does.

**I hope y'all liked this chapter! I'll try to write chapter 5 tomorrow/today (it's 12:09 right now.)**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

**Hey guys, I'm glad you all liked the last chapter! And I'm really sorry about mixing up the step-brother/half-brother thing; I don't know what I was thinking. Part of it is probably due to the fact that I've had standardized testing all week, and it's been frying my brain. I hope y'all like this chapter and continue reading this story. This chapter will be a little toned down. As always, I love comments, and if you just want someone to chat with, I'm cool with that too, you can pm me, I'm constantly checking my inbox.(:**

**Have a great day (technically night, but it may vary depending where you live.)! I hope you like this chapter! XOXO.**

I'm running.

Running through the woods behind my old apartment complex; where my mom, step-dad, and I lived before he died a few months ago.

My bare feet paddle up and down through the leaves, leaving dirt to fly up in the air behind me as I run. I'm panting, I can't catch my breath. But I have to keep running or _he'll catch me._

My long, blonde hair is tied back in a low pony-tail, and my grey tank and purple Nike shorts are attracting his attention. _If only I'd worn a different color. _I decide to stop running for a moment due to my painful stomach cramps.

To my disappointment, I hear a pair of footsteps coming towards me, and even as I run as fast as my body will allow, he catches up to me. And right as he's about to grab me by the waist—

"Bella, wake up." "Wake up." (Spencer POV)

"It's time to get some breakfast; we need to leave the house in about an hour."

I shake her shoulder to try to jolt her awake when I hear a scream coming from the scared looking girl in front of me.

(Bella POV)

Right as he's about to grab me from the waist, I feel someone tugging on my shoulder.

I close my eyes tighter, scared he's going to hurt me again. I can almost feel a smack to my cheek when I hear a voice.

"Bella, it's okay, everything is okay, you just had a nightmare," my half-brother says.

My eyes open wide, exposing my fearful blue eyes. My breathing starts to calm and I scoot out of bed while wiping the sweat from my forehead on the back of my hand. I'm still lost for words. _I thought the nightmares were gone—apparently not._

All of the sudden, as I'm walking to the bathroom sink, my stomach starts to churn, and I know what I must do. I run into the bathroom, and shove my index finger down my throat, causing my gag reflexes to come in hand. As I see the contents of last night's dinner in the toilet, I feel satisfied with myself.

"Bella, you okay in there?" Spence asks, clearly concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just an upset stomach," I lie without hesitation.

As I emerge from the bathroom, I grab a yellow tank top, my gold bangles, and army green boy-shorts from my closet. I grab a piece of spearmint gum to try and rid the disgusting taste from my mouth. I completely forget that Spencer is still sitting on the edge of my bed, and as I'm putting my toiletries in the bathroom and about ready to hop in the shower, Spence motions me over to him. _Oh great, another discussion. As if I haven't had enough of these._ I plop down on the bed with a big thud before Spencer starts to speak.

"Bella, I just really want you to know I'm here for you—I'm going to give you space to figure everything out for yourself, but just know, I will always be here for you," Spencer says.

"_Jeeze, where have I heard that before," my brain thinks sarcastically. _

Almost as if on cue, Spencer responds. "I seriously mean this. My parents weren't exactly supportive during my childhood, so I know how it feels to grow up so fast, but just always know, you have my shoulder to cry on if you need one," he says. "Oh yeah, you've also got Garcia's, Emily's, and JJ's shoulders to cry on to, plus all of the guys." We smirk at each other, knowing the truth; that anyone who messes with me will have to mess with the crazy-protective FBI agents that my brother—half-brother—works with.

I reach over to give him a hug, which is quite awkward for both of us, considering I haven't been hugged since around the age of 10. "Thanks, pretty-boy," I whisper, trying to lighten the mood by using Garcia's nickname, and it seems to work. Spencer's mouth stretches into a smirk. He stands up from my bed. "Hey I'm going to fix some coffee, want some?"

"Yup, tad bit of cream and three sugars, the regular."

I hop into the shower, feeling the water cleanse my scarred and fair skin. I can't help but think how ugly I am. My huge stomach, my flat but, my shapeless figure. Even though I'm told I'm thin and curvy, I look quite the opposite in my opinion. I may look 110 pounds, but I feel like 160. My uneven, pasty skin covers my body, still containing scars and bruises from the past. My "curves" are more like imperfections, and constantly remind me of my step-dad's daily beatings and violations. Even if the bruises are not visible to anyone else, I'll see where those bruises were forever.

I can still feel everything. I can feel him on me; I can see him cheating with my mom. I can see him drinking and abandoning us. I can see his death. And I can still envision the drug habits my mom gained when he died; I guess I should have known it was only a matter of time before—

All of the sudden, I pick up the blade from the bathroom counter. It's all I can do to keep my mind from floating into a world of hurt; a world of pain. I slice the blade against my skin while leaning against the shower wall, allowing the blood to cascade down the tub and down the drain.

I don't know how long it's been when my cut stops bleeding. I hop out of the shower, trying to find a paper towel before I drip blood onto the wool rugs in the bathroom. I sit on the tiled floor, rubbing ointment on my cut as long as I feel necessary and then put a bandage over it.

Now that I've gotten my daily dose of pain control, I get dressed and slide my many bangles over my wrists as well as the silver charm bracelet I got from my dad. I smile, trying hard to remember my past life, even though it was only 7 years ago.

I apply my makeup, emotionless as a zombie, and grab my coffee from Spence. He drives us up to the BAU, ready to get back to work. His genius mind probably gets bored when he's not tracking serial killers.

As we walk into the squad room, we're greeted with hugs, but the commotion stops whenever the boss walks into the room. Everyone quickly disperses and gets started on their paperwork. How can I tell this is the boss you ask? She has a stone-cold stare that would intimidate anyone, allowing me to recognize her as an authority figure.

"And who might this be," Strauss asks, making her way down the steps into the squad room.

"Ma'am, this is my half-sister Bella." We shake hands. "So what brings you into the care of Dr. Reid, Miss—...?"

"Harmon. Bella Harmon."

Spencer decides to butt into our conversation thankfully. "Her mother passed away a few days ago, and I'm her legal guardian now," says Spencer.

"I'm terribly sorry dear," she says with a slight amount of empathy. "When will you be starting school?"

"Oh, I'll be starting school in a week," I say, not over-enthusiastically. She nods. "Well, I don't exactly want you disrupting my agents while they are doing their paper-work, so you can either go the BAU gym or you can visit with Ms. Garcia. Is that alright?" she asks.

"Yeah, that's fine, I'll go to the gym, you don't need to worry about me," I reply, not wanting to be the one who pushes her buttons. She nods and heads off into her office when she hears her cell-phone buzz.

_Thank god she's not here anymore. The way she talks to other people intimidates me; Hell, it probably intimidates FBI agents!_

I walk downstairs to the gym, trying to avoid Strauss. _I wouldn't want to get on her bad side._ As I walk into the gym, I'm suddenly glad that I'm wearing shorts and a tank top, otherwise it would be fairly difficult to work out.

Strauss was probably surprised when I said I was going to the gym. I'm not exactly the _typical athlete_.

Spencer doesn't know, but I took up boxing and karate when I was younger. _I had to find some way to defend myself from my step-father and the bullies at school. _Most people don't think of me as exactly 'athletic', and I plan on keeping it that way. Karate and boxing weren't exactly the _coolest_ things at my old school.

I was constantly teased about my appearance and my intelligence. My school didn't exactly have the most 'understanding' kids, and I've been bullied and picked on since before my teen years. People always wondered why I never wore make-up and told me that I should cover my ugly face. Before I had contacts, my glasses were broken on multiple occasions, and I was called a nerd because of my lack of social skills and my love for reading. I was pushed down the stairs daily and was the school punching bag. I would come home crying, my mother holding me in her arms until my step-father got home. I would be beat on, insulted, and violated. Eventually I got used to the negative aura surrounding me, but to this day it still hurts. The difference is that my mother isn't around to help me through that any more.

The truth is, I'm _te_rrified. I'm terrified of going back to school and starting my life over, even though I'm in a completely different city. I want the teasing to stop. When I go back to school, the insults will break me, sending me back down the dark road I have been traveling on for such a long time. And I don't have my mother to come crawling to after a bad day. _Sigh._

I do have boxing to help me through it. I'm not proud of this—but the truth is that I'm addicted to exercise. Once I start, I cannot stop. I have so much anger and sadness inside of my petite body that I can never stop hurting. I'm getting weaker day by day and some days I just want the pain to end. By physically exhausting my body, I become weak, as well as losing pain.

I strap on a black pair of boxing gloves and start kicking and hitting at the punching bag. _Hit, kick, slam, pound._ I keep hitting the bag with all of my might until my heart is pounding and my hands are sore with bruises and blisters. It's obvious I haven't boxed in a while due to the achiness of my muscles.

As I take off my gloves, I hear someone approaching. I tie my hair back with a ponytail, tucking the blonde strands behind my ears. "Nice," I hear a voice say, and I turn around to take in the view of a tall, blonde, muscular teenager._ Dammmnnn._

"Thanks," I whisper, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. "How long have you been boxing?" he asks. "A few years," I say. "I also do karate, not like that matters," I say with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. He smiles at me. My stomach does a backflip, and my heart pounds out of my chest. "It's not the most admirable sport for a girl."

"I think it's pretty admirable," he says, his voice quietly drifting off. We stand in a very comfortable silence for a few seconds before he introduces himself. "I'm Nathan, you can call me Nate," he says, flipping his blonde hair and giving me a subtle wink with his gorgeous green eyes.

"I'm Bella, nice to meet you," I say genuinely, giving him a small smile and a handshake. "Sorry, I'm all sweaty," I chuckle. He laughs along with me, cracking a joke about karate as we make conversation for a few minutes. "I guess I'll see you around?"

"Yeah, you will." I give him an innocent wink as I walk back upstairs to the BAU office_. _

_I can't stop myself from hoping I will see him again next time I'm here. _

**Hey guys, hope y'all liked this chapter. I wasn't really in the mood for writing yesterday, so I wrote half of it today, and half yesterday. Please tell me your opinions. And what do you guys want this "mystery man" to be like? Please give me your input. I'm definitely making next chapter about the girls' night. I originally was going to make it be in this chapter, but once I realized how long this chapter would be, I decided against it.**

**I do not know if I will update this weekend, and if I do, it will most likely be tomorrow morning or Sunday night, at like 11 PM. I have my band banquet all tomorrow night, and considering the amount of people that are going to be there, I'm going to be super-duper busy. Plus my grandparents and cousins are coming over for mothers' day.**

**Have a good mother's day (:**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

**Hey guys, thanks for the reviews. I'm going to try to get this story rolling, I feel like it's kind of been all over the place: p. I hope y'all like this chapter, and suggestions for the next chapter would be super helpful. I would also like to know if you guys want more dialogue, thoughts, or action in my story. How you guys would like this to be written will really help me decide how I want this story to develop. (:**

Even though meeting Nate was an interesting twist in my day, I'm secretly dreading the girls' night with Pen, Emily, and Jayje. Their strong stances, empathizing natures, and compassion will drive me insane, because I know I can't hide the truth from them forever and that I can't hide forever, but I still want to.

Every day I have flashbacks. No one knows this, except me of course. I have learned to deal with it accordingly. The first one was when I was at Dave's house last night. Ever since then I've been able to predict when they will happen, and I just distance myself, often in my room.

These last three days have seemed like eternity. It was only three days ago when I last saw my mom alive. This small amount of time that has seemed like years have made me realize how long the rest of my life can be.

I feel so alone and pitied, like an old mutt in an animal shelter that no one wants to pick, because everyone wants the cute, fluffy puppies. No one wants baggage.

How I wish I wasn't the one to be pitied and abandoned. Every day I wish that god could have given me a different life.

When my mom was alive she was a strong believer in the lord. We would go to church every Sunday, and I would try to keep my heart in it, but it never seemed to work how I thought it should. Even though my mom and I tried to fight against the devil in our life, Christ never seemed to come and save us, and still hasn't yet.

Why has he chosen to place all the heavy burdens on me? I know this is selfish, but I feel so old and torn, when I look quite the opposite. I've looked after myself nearly all of my childhood due to mom's blind faith, and I can't look blindly in the other direction any longer. If god is so 'good' and so 'great', then why hasn't he saved me? Or killed me? Because by now, I'm probably too damaged to be saved, and no one wants damaged goods.

I sit in the workout room, silence floating around me. The silence is like a vacuum, sucking all of the emotions out of my body. Silence is my only companion in my troubled, lonely world. Although I want company, keeping to myself is better than loving and later being abandoned.

After a while of sitting on the workout bench, I hear footsteps paddle down the stairs. Knowing that it's probably time to leave the serenity of the quiet gym, I stand up and grab my bag, preparing myself to be exposed to the real world once more.

"Belllaaa—oh there you are, we've been looking for you," says JJ. "Been keeping busy down here?" she asks. I nod in return. "Well that's good; we're going to head off to Emily's apartment, so you should probably get ready to go." She smiles at me, showing her perfect smile. _If only I looked like that. Maybe someone would have stuck around if I weren't so ugly._

I must have zoned about because when I make eye contact with her, she wears a worried expression on her face. "Oh, I'm fine, I was just thinking for a minute," I say, hoping to fool the profiler standing in front of me. Although she doesn't seem to believe me, she tugs down her teal buttoned-up blouse and gives her well-known media liaison smile. "Be ready in a few minutes," she says while climbing up the stairs once more.

About a minute after JJ leaves me alone in the BAU gym, I climb back up to the stairs and stand in the office area, waiting for Penelope, Jayje, and Emily to take me back to Emily's apartment. I take a deep breath as Penelope approaches me._ This is going to be a long night._

"Hey sweet cheeks, ready to have our girls' night?" Pen asks. "It's going to be a blast," I say, trying to convince Penelope of my excitement. "You better," she winks, giving me her mischievous hacker grin.

Emily and Jayje approach us. "Let's get going. Bye boys, see you guys tomorrow," JJ hollers as she waves to Reid, Hotch, Morgan, and Rossi. "You guys get some sleep, you hear," Dave hints. "You know you guys have to work tomorrow." He glances at me. "As for you, you need to get some sleep; this past week has been hard for you. If I learn you aren't getting any sleep, I'm going to come over there and fix dinner for you again." I laugh, knowing it's an empty threat to keep my health in check. "Thanks Rossi," I reply with sarcasm as the girls and I walk out the front door of the BAU.

As we're driving to Emily's house, Garcia is explaining her date with her boyfriend, Kevin, to us. "Well, we went to this little Italian diner on the corner of main and 4th street, and it was so cute. He bought me my favorite flowers, lilacs; do any of you know how he knew that?" She gives a warning expression to Emily.

"I'm not saying anything, I have the right to remain silent," Emily says, using the law to make her sound even more like a smart ass. She grins, and everyone in the car bursts out laughing, even me.

"Well, I'm glad you're having fun Bella," Emily comments. I immediately freeze up, knowing they're about to pry into my personal life. "So who was that blonde kid down in the gym with you today? He was cuteee…."

"Ooooooh, details, details!" Garcia screams, wanting to get the goods on my personal life. Jayje gives me an assertive glance. "You know we're going to figure this out at some point, right?"

The trio stares at me until I show signs of defeat. After a few minutes, I can't stand the stares anymore. "Alright, ALRIGHT," I say with annoyance in my breath. "His name is Nate, he came down to the gym and started talking to me, but I think he kind of forgot his purpose for coming down there because he didn't do a single push-up," I answered, trying to avoid as many awkward and biased comments as I can.

"OOOH, HE LIKES YOU," Garcia squeals. "He likes her, he likes her, he likes her!" she exclaims to Emily. Emily and Jayje glance at me. "You know we're going to need more to go on than THAT," JJ says, perfectly knowing that I'm keeping information from them. "What did he look like," Emily pries.

"Well, he has sandy blonde hair, and moss green eyes unlike anything I've ever seen before. He's probably about 6'2 and he's very athletic looking and charming," I slur before realizing that I just sounded like a One Direction fan-girl. _Shittt._

The girls make eye contact. "We're going to do some sleuthing around the BAU the next time we see him," Emily grins. I roll my eyes, while the blush on my cheeks starts to fade.

"What kind of food do you want, Bells?" Garcia asks, turning the steering wheel onto the freeway. "Umm, doesn't matter to me."

"Looks like we're getting burgers," Garcia says.

We pull into the In-n-Out drive thru and grab a couple of burgers and milkshakes before heading back to Emily's apartment. It takes a couple minutes, but just as the aroma of burgers starts to fill the car, we arrive at Emily's apartment. Garcia carries in the food while Emily opens the door. The rest of us follow them into Emily's well-kept apartment.

"Dang girl, this place is as neat as Spencer's place," JJ jokes. "You need to mess it up a bit. You need to relax." She plops down on the blue leather sofa. "Don't you have a life?"

"Jayje, remember, we're FBI agents; WE DON'T HAVE LIVES."

"Ha-ha, right."

As we're starting to eat our food, the phone rings. "I'll get it, it's probably Will," JJ suggests.

"Hello?"

"Yes, of course I can do that honey, I'll be home soon, buh-bye."

JJ hangs up the phone and heads back to the table. I can tell something's up by the look of concern on her face. "Will is out of town, and Henry is really sick, he needs me to take care of him, so I'm going to have to leave. He wanted to see his god-mother as well, so Garcia and I are going to have to take off. I'm so sorry Bella. It looks like we'll have to join you another time." She gives me a look of sincerity and I can tell that she really wanted to get to know me.

"It's alright, I completely understand. Your son needs his mother while he has one around," I comment uncomfortably. Out of my peripheral vision I see Emily shoot me a look of concern, but I choose to ignore it.

As Jayje and Garcia leave, they each give me a hug and tell me to have lots of fun. They slam the door in a hurry to try to get to Henry as fast as possible.

"Looks like it's just me and you kiddo," Emily says.

"Yup, just us."

_Yay, one-on-one time with an FBI profiler; this is EXACTLY what I need right now._

I pick my food up from the kitchen table and start to eat. I can feel my stomach protesting, not wanting to digest the food I'm consuming. I can taste the grease smothering the bun and the mayonnaise plastered all over my burger. After a few minutes of eating and conversing with Emily, I feel the urge to vomit. _Hold it down, Bella, hold it down._

Emily looks at me in concern. "You okay hun? You look kind of pale."

"Oh, I'm fine," I croak, trying to hold my food down inside my stomach. I take a sip of my coca cola. It's almost as if that sip of my drink was enough to make me burst. "I've got to use the restroom, can you excuse me," I say quickly, hoping that I can make it to Emily's bathroom.

She nods. "It's down that hall to the right," she points.

I nod in thanks as I rush to the toilet. I quickly slam and lock the door before losing my composure.

Sweat gathers on my forehead and my eyes water with tears. _It's just too much to eat all of this food. Come on Bella, breathe. In…Out…In….Out._

_Just as I think the bout of bloating is about to pass, I feel my stomach churn in protest to the digesting food. I know what I must do. I stick my finger down my throat, causing the contents of my burger to spill out into the toilet bowl. I can't stop myself. I no longer have to force myself. I keep on gagging and uncontrollably disposing my food into the toilet. I feel sick. No more food. Ever._

_My breathing becomes rapid, and my head starts spinning. I keel over on my side and try to catch my breath. I need to get this taste out of my mouth. WHY WON'T IT COME OUT?_

Oh no.

Flashback.

"_OH, Izzy doesn't that feel so good?" he snickers. _

"_SAY YES." _

_He whips me across my back, leaving a huge red welt stinging on my skin. I curl into the fetal position while in unbearable pain._

"_Oh, we're not finished yet."_

_He turns me over onto my back and forces himself into me. He pounds into my vagina repeatedly; eventually getting faster and faster. Tears flow down my face. Why won't he stop? Why won't he leave me alone? I'm only eleven, okay?_

_My body goes limp._

"_I didn't say you could stop, BITCH."_

_I whimper._

_He slaps me across the face and punches me in the eye. My eye is in so much pain that I think I'm going to go blind. I pray for help from god but it never works. I quietly sob as he violates me, whipping me and kicking me in every spot imaginable._

_And for the finale, he picks up a piece of glass and glides it through my skin, inscribing a message on my stomach. The pain is so unbearable that I want to die. _

"_THERE." He says. "You have a constant reminder of what a little whore you are. Go, LOOK AT YOURSELF." _

_He walks out of the room._

_I look at my stomach. Running vertically up my stomach is a message, which says 'YOU WANTED IT, YOU LITTLE WHORE.' I start to shake, uncontrollably sobbing, while blood from my wounds is staining my bed sheets._

I shake on the floor, completely unaware of the knocks on the door.

"Bella? Are you in there? It sounded like you were getting sick."

Completely absorbed in my flashback, I am unable to hear her.

"I'm coming in if you don't answer."

…..

….

…

…..

..

.

(Emily Point of View)

I storm into my bathroom and see vomit covering the toilet. "Jesus Christ, what has happened to you?" I mumble as I look at the scene before my eyes. I see Bella on the floor, shaking. "Bella, are you okay? Honey?"

I reach out my hand to touch her arm. When I touch her arm, she cringes, and crumbles into the fetal position.

She gives a blood-curling scream that I'm sure all the neighbors hear.

_This has gone WAY too far already._

"Bella, BELLA, WAKE UP." I shake her. She finally responds, snapping out of her nightmare.

(Bella POV)

I finally snap out of my flashback and see Emily standing before me.

_I'm done pretending. I give up. I can't pretend to be strong anymore._

Water pours out of my eyes like a waterfall. I give out wretched sobs and fall into Emily's grasp. _I can't do this anymore. I just want to die. _

(Emily POV)

I hold Bella in my arms. She is clutching my arms for dear life. I am scared for her; the girl must have had some serious trauma in her life to be this emotional.

I'm about to let my guard down when she mumbles, "I can't forget him. I can't forget him." She bursts into even more wretched sobs.

"Shh.. it's okay Bells, I'm here with you. We can talk about this later." She nods and crumples into my arms like she's about to disintegrate into dust.

**Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter! I'm going to have next chapter continue on with the Emily-Bella bond. Emily is going to discover a secret of Bella's and will try to help her through it. I will try to update this story tomorrow! I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter. Leave me a review with your comments if you have time, I look forward to reading them.**

**Have a great day! XOXO.**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

**Hey ya'll! Hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter! I'm going to keep updating this story every day/every other day so that you guys don't have to wait so long for chapter updates.**

**Please feel free to pm me if you have suggestions for the storyline! I would really appreciate it. (:**

**If you have time, reviews are greatly appreciated.**

_I just want to die._

_What's the point in living? I have no one. My whole life consists of hanging with my half-brother's older friends' and thinking about my past. All I seem to think about is my step-father. How he raped me; the things he did to me._

_I actually considered suicide at one point of my life. When I was 10, my step-father started raping me. A thing such as that is not something a normal 10 year old experiences. The violence and drama got to a breaking point for me about 2 years later. _

_I turned to drugs. I became bulimic. I wouldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I had nobody. All I had was bitter, cold, abuse. _

_The only thing stopping me from killing myself was my mom._

_What would they think when they found me, drowned or hung? My mother would be devastated, and my step-father would eventually have killed her for sure. She was the thing keeping me alive. I did not want to hurt her; I wanted to stick by so that she would have someone to endure the abuse with._

_But once again, I have to be the adult because she left me alone. She killed herself. She pitied herself and abandoned me. No matter what I do, nothing seems to be good enough to keep people I love alive. I must be quite an awful person if everyone around me dies. Why not just end it already?_

_The flashbacks are progressively getting worse; I don't think I can stop them any longer._

As Emily holds me in her arms, all these thoughts rush through my head. She strokes my hair and picks me up off of the tile floor. She holds my legs and supports my neck as she lays me on the couch. As soon as she lays me down, I slouch into the comforting arms of the couch. The maroon colored velvet rubs against my skin as I stare into space. If I close my eyes, I could have a panic attack, so I decide to keep them open.

I stare at the tan colored wall; just staring, not even blinking. My mind is blank. It's as if my emotions crawled out from under my skin when I was crying in Emily's arms.

Emily looks at me, but I pretend not to notice. We stare into space for a moment. She sits on the couch next to me.

"You know you're going to have to talk about these 'nightmares' sooner or later," Emily says.

_No I won't. I can do whatever the hell I like. _I look into her eyes, trying to give her the cold shoulder, but of course it doesn't work. Her compassion lights up the room like a light bulb; I can't ignore what's standing in front of me. Her eyes melt my soul like chocolate, and my eyes can't help but soften at the presence of her.

Emily notices my change in body language and decides to start asking me more questions. "How long have these nightmares been going on?"

"_Too long," _I mutter to myself, not realizing that she can hear me.

She senses my discomfort and changes the subject. "You know I didn't have the easiest childhood either…" I look up at her. "I moved around a lot when I was younger and never made many friends. I was vulnerable, stupid and young... My mom was never around, and she didn't know about half the things that happened during my childhood."

She clears her throat, and I realize she is going to share something really personal. "My father would blame my mother for not being at home; he hated her job. He was angry all of the time, and when he would get drunk, he would do some scary things." She clears her breath. Shakily, she continues on. "One time, my dad was really angry and drunk; he and my mom had just had a fight over the phone, and he turned to the bottle for comforting. After he had hung up the phone, I came out to ask him if I could go to dinner with one of my friends, Matthew. He called me selfish and said that no one would ever love me. And of course, he said I couldn't go to dinner with Matthew." I see the hurt in her eyes as she continues on.

"Soon he started asking me questions; why I was such a 'slut', why I was gothic, why I spent more time with my mom than him. He was always jealous, even though he didn't need to be. My mother loved him," she whispers. I give her a look of empathy, tears falling from my eyes.

"He started walking towards me with a kind of darkness in his eyes. He shoved me against the wall and slapped me, kicked me, and punched me."

"What he _didn't _know was that I was pregnant," she says.

I gasp.

"My boyfriend was abusive, and at the time, I was in love with him. There was no one else there for me, and I thought what he gave me was love; it was not," she says. "That night when my dad was beating me up, I had a miscarriage. There was blood everywhere. I was so scared," she squeaks. "Still am now. But that miscarriage scarred me for life. I was looking forward to having that baby. I was scared to death, but still happy, even though I was a little bit young to have a child. That night when my dad was hitting me, he almost killed me. I had to go to the emergency room."

She pauses, and a tear streams down her cheek. I give her a hug and lean on her shoulder.

"When I got there, I was in the hospital for a couple days. At the end of my visit, the doctors told me what prescriptions to take as well as that I could never…" she pauses.

"Never have children..." Her voice cracks. "No one knows, and every time I interact with kids and an agent comes up to me and says 'you'd make a great mom', it just hurts even more. Sometimes I just cry because I haven't always been the kick-ass SSA that I am now. No one knows who I really am. If there was one person in the world right now that needed me to tell them my struggles in order to know they're not alone; it would be you."

We look at each other. I suddenly become emotional and hide my head under the blanket that has been covering my now shivering feet. _ This is killing me. Her bringing this up makes it even worse. I can't hide this anymore. But it just hurts too much, hurts too much..._

_I want to open up to her, but I'm so scared. I don't want to re-live it. Not again._

"Honey, while I haven't been in your situation, I know what it feels like to feel pain and sorrow. You can talk to me," Emily says while tears are streaming down her face. She rubs my back, trying to give me some comfort.

I cry even harder. My voice cracks. "…I c-c-aaan-tt."

"Yes you can, you're strong honey," she whispers.

"No, NO I can't," I cry. "I can't trust you. I can't… I can't trust anyone," my voice shrinks as I continue.

"Why Bells, why can't you trust me? I know your mother committed suicide, but that doesn't mean she didn't love you."

Finally, I've had enough of the lies. Enough of the silence. "Then why has EVERYONE left in my life? Why did my dad leave? Why did my mom leave? For god's sake, even my...step-father...left me. No one ever cares enough to stick around. I care about others, and in the end, I'm always the fall guy. I know it sounds whiney, but everyone has left me. I don't trust people because once I do, they betray my trust. Every. Single. Time." I look away to avoid eye contact with her.

"Honey, they loved you, I know they did. How could they not love someone like you?" She looks me up and down. "Your mom probably committed suicide because of her choices, she probably thought she had lost her battle, and that it was time to give up," Emily says calmly.

But I'm not calm. I'm _hysterical._

"How could you even say that?" I screech. "Left me because she loved me? She left me because she was tired?" I look at Emily, animosity glaring through my eyes. "Do you know how LONG it's been since she said she loved me? Huh? 10 years. Yeah, that's a long time. She cared about her husband instead of her own daughter. She never cared about me, at least not more than him. She was completely in love with him; she would do ANYTHING FOR HIM. For me? NO. She left me alone, weak and vulnerable; she left me to be devoured by the wolves. Even if she didn't physically abandon me, she SURE AS HELL DID MENTALLY." I pause. "I'm going to the guest room," I hiss at her. I storm off.

(Emily POV)

I'm in shock.

I really have no idea who she is.

I just thought she was having a hard time dealing with her mother's death; this is so much more than that. She is grieving her mother, her father leaving her when she was younger, and grieving for herself. But underneath that anger and pain, there's something hidden; something that is causing her a great deal of stress. I decide to ask her about it and go into her room, but because my guest bedroom is usually empty, I don't bother to knock.

(Bella POV)

I decide to change into my pajamas. I'm too tired to argue with Emily about my mom; if she had grown up in my household, she sure as hell would know that no one in that household cared about me enough to care for me properly. Just as I'm pulling off my shirt, Emily barges in.

My back is to the door, and not realizing that my shirt is only about a third on, I yell at Emily. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but it comes out badly considering the mood I'm in.

"What the HELL," I scream. "Don't you knock? Jeeze."

But as I make eye contact with her, I automatically notice my mistake.

She sees it.

_My eyes start to water and I pull my shirt over my body before attempting to run out the front door. This was the one thing I didn't want anyone to know about._

(Emily POV)

As I walk into my guest room, I forget to knock. _Big Mistake._

As I open the door, _Bella has her back turned to me, and she is in the process of pulling her shirt over her head. She turns around and looks at me, eyes like daggers._

"What the HELL, Emily," she yells. Just as she says that, I notice the untidy letters on her stomach. 'You wanted it, you little whore,' it says across half her stomach, in big, ugly letters. _Oh my god, what the hell happened to her?_

Apparently the shock is obvious on my face because she looks down to see her shirt is not covering her whole front. She realizes that I saw her scars. Her eyes well up with tears and pain. She tries to run past me out of the house.

(Bella POV)

_Oh God. _

_Why did she have to find out about this; no one will ever want me now._

_My feet gain a mind of their own and start running towards the front door._

All of the sudden, Emily slides in front of me. "Stop," she says sternly. I push past her. "I'm not a dog, you can't tell me to stay."

She steps in front of me. "I told your brother I would look after you tonight. It's also quite obvious that you've been through some hardships in the past few years."

"No I haven't!" I downright lie to her face, but she sees right through it.

"Please honey, let me help you. I promise I will be here for you every step of the way," she says. We walk over to the couch and sit down. "Remember what I told you, you're not alone. Let me help you." I look into her eyes and see a slight sadness as well as happiness.

I look at her. "It's too soon," I whisper.

Emily gives me a look of defeat. "Okay, Bella. Promise me one thing."

"Yeah?"

"Promise to tell me the truth…about everything. Whether you decide to get moral support is your choice, but I'll be here. I'll be thinking of you every step of the way. You can call me anytime or anywhere. You can talk to me whenever you're ready." She gives me a sad smile.

I wrap my arms around her small waist and give her a long hug. "Thank you... You don't know what that means to me." Tears fall slowly from my eyes, except this time they're happy. I'm crying happy tears because I once again have someone to trust.

**Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated this since Tuesday. I was trying to figure out a good way to write this, so I've been editing/thinking/writing since yesterday. I hope you guys liked it; I tried to write this as realistically as possible. I didn't want Bella spilling all of her secrets so early in the story, so I'm going to try to drag it out. If you have any suggestions for the next chapter, PLEASE tell me, because I have no idea what it will be about. (Maybe I'll write about her starting school.) Reviews, follows, and favorites are EXTREMELY appreciated. (:**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys, I hope you've enjoyed the story so far. I realized last night that it doesn't have much plot in it yet-virtually none. If you guys have any opinions on how I should develop this story, I would be happy to oblige. **

Chapter 8:

After Emily and I have had our 'bonding moment', we decide to get some rest. Although Emily has been really nice and caring, I can't help missing Spencer. His approach to me isn't nearly as personal, and even when he gets angry, I know he does it to protect me.

Maybe it's a good thing school is starting in a few days. Maybe that will help me take my mind off everything. _Hmph._

The next morning, I wake up about 7 a.m. It's not until I'm walking to the bathroom that I realize that I actually got sleep from the previous night. _Thank god. I don't think I could go too many more days with this sleep deprivation, it's terrible!_

All of the sudden, I hear the doorbell ring. As I look through the peep-hole in Emily's apartment, I see my half-brother's face. I can't help smiling; even if he is similar to a robot, I can't help but miss him.

I quickly unlock the door and let Spencer in. I greet him with a big smacking hug. I'm feeling pretty good today; Emily's pep talk from yesterday has really boosted my attitude. _For now, at least._

"Hey, Spence," I greet him as I engulf him in a large hug. He looks surprised.

"Hey Bells. I missed you." He shows me a warm, compassionate smile. He pauses. "You know, I'm really sorry that I embarrassed you in front of everyone the other day…" he starts.

"Save it Spencer, It's okay. I've gotten over it. There's no way to fix it, so we should just move on, right?"

As soon as I say that, he looks relieved. His posture un-stiffens and his legs aren't locked straight anymore. He shuffles his feet towards the door to close it so he doesn't disturb the neighbors.

I must have forgotten to tell Emily that Spencer has arrived, because while we're talking, Emily comes around the corner with her gun and yells, "FBI, show me your hands!"

As soon as she realizes it's 'Dr. Reid', we all lose our composures. We laugh really hard, falling onto the hard, dusty wooden floor. After a few minutes of laughing, my lungs have won a track meet, and my stomach muscles ache from the constant shaking of my body.

"That was pretty funny," I tell Emily. "You actually thought he was an un-sub or something? Really Em? Really? I guess your paranoid nature comes from working with CIA." We chuckle.

"I have to admit, it w_as_ pretty funny..."

As soon as we eat a quick breakfast in Emily's apartment, Spencer and I grab my belongings and leave her apartment. She hugs me and tells me to give her a call; I tell her I will, even though I will avoid calling her as much as possible. I wave at her as Spence and I are leaving her apartment complex. She smiles back at me. I think she enjoyed spending time with me. Whether she realizes it or not, her motherly instincts are effecting her actions about me.

As soon as Spencer and I get home, I go into my room to unpack my stuff from Emily's. Even though I've been at Spence's house 3 or 4 days, it feels like much longer. My room begs to differ. I look at all the boxes lying in the middle of the room. Maybe I should clean…._Why the hell not?_ I start to pick up my room, dispersing my few personal items all over the room while getting rid of the cluttery boxes.

As I'm looking at the few items from my childhood and organizing my room, Spencer knocks on my door. "Come in," I yell. He enters and sees me unpacking. "You need any help with that?" he asks.

"Yeah, that would be great." _The last thing I need to do is to ruin my mood by looking over the memories of my childhood. Spencer will keep me preoccupied. _

And he does. He helps me unpack and organize my room, almost to the point where it looks like the room belongs to a person with OCD. Since it's a Saturday, Spence doesn't have to go into work unless he's called onto a case. He helps me for a few hours.

"Hey Bella, we probably need to find you a school this weekend, because the school year starts in two days. Is there any preference for schools to go to?" he asks me.

"Not really," I say. "I'll be treated the same wherever I'm going anyways."

"Okay. I was thinking about Cedarwood Prep. It's a private school, but not so fancy to the point where it's uncomfortable to associate with the people. Does that sound okay?"

"Yeah," I reply. "That should be great." I plaster a fake smile on my face to try to please Spencer. It seems to work, because he smiles back at me and says he'll leave me to my own business.

_At least I'll be able to associate with people my age, which will be nice unless I'm bullied like I've always been in the past._

For the rest of the day, I listen to music and go for a run outside while Spencer is making phone calls about my education. I forget to ask him before going out for a run, so when he finds my room unoccupied, he freaks out. Of course I didn't figure this out until later.

As I'm running outside on the trail leading from the apartment complex to the park, my feet are hitting the pavement in rhythm while I'm listening to music. My iPod is playing Fix You by Coldplay, which makes me feel especially emotional and sullen.

As I'm approaching my tenth mile, I heard a voice behind me.

"Bella Harmon, you come here RIGHT this instance."

_OH SHIT. I FORGOT TO TELL HIM I WAS LEAVING. HE MUST BE FREAKING OUT._

I turn around and approach him. As I take the headphones out of my ears, I start to speak to him. "Hey Spence, I'm REALLY sorry. I forgot to tell you I was going for a jog; I didn't exactly have to tell my parents I was going anywhere when I used to leave the house, so I figured it was somewhat normal to just leave your apartment. I'm kind of still getting adjusted to the living arrangement." I stare into his eyes, trying to determine how he will react.

But how he _actually_ reacts is what surprises me.

"I'm not mad," Spencer says. His face is emotionless, so I can't really predict what he's going to say. "But you need to be A LOT more careful. Because of my job and the stuff you've been through in the past few days, you need to give me notice before doing anything."

I sneer and roll my eyes. He just looks at me with complete seriousness.

"I'm serious. You need to be inside this house during late hours. The crime rate dramatically increases during late hours in isolated areas such as a jogging path. You're not going to be allowed outside of this house after 10 o'clock, but I will permit you to have an early run in the morning if you would like."

I smile at him. Then he says something that completely surprises me.

"Your pace is incredible. I couldn't keep up, so I just drove my car along the route I saw you on until I caught up enough to catch you."

He chuckles.

_I'm surprised at his comment because I'm not used to compliments._

"You could really give Morgan a run for his money you know," he states.

"I'd like to surprise him one day," I reply.

I smirk and give Spencer a big grin. He wraps his arm around my shoulder. "Come on, we should heading home and getting dinner, it's already 9 o'clock."

"Okay Spence," I whisper.

After Spence and I eat a dinner consisting of Chicken Lo Mein and green tea, we decide to watch some television. After we watch an hour or so of The Big Bang Theory, we both grab a book. Spencer picks up Les Miserables; one of my favorite books, while I continue reading My Sister's Keeper. The book is really touching so far; it's about a girl getting cancer and her family's struggles throughout the time. The main character, Anna, is attempting to sue her parents because they are forcing her to give her kidney to her dying sister.

The book seems to play with my emotions. Everything the main character/narrator is feeling, I have also felt before. The only difference is that the narrator, Anna, had the guts to stand up to her parents, unlike me. She took control of her body, which I never did. In the end of the book, Anna ends up dying in a car crash, and her sister gets her kidney, which saves her life.

_If Anna's actions never helped her in the long run, and she ended up dying, what will my decisions do for me? I never stood up to my parents like she did. I'm doomed. My life will never change._

I stare at the book for a few minutes while my mind races. I can't help but compare this book to my life, and the result makes me assume the worst about my future.

Because it is silent in the living room, when I slam my book and strut into my room, Spencer notices. He tells me to get some sleep, which I tell him I will and hope for. It's already 11 o'clock, so I decide to hit the hay.

As I slam my book down on my dresser and climb into bed, my emotions overwhelm me. Tears quietly caress my face as I'm staring into nothing; paying attention to nothing. I can't help but think of the doom that defines my life. As tears roll down my cheeks, I close my eyes, hoping for the sleep and peace that I will most likely never come.

**Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I felt like writing a less depressing chapter; these last few have been EXTREMELY dark. Next chapter I will most likely be enrolling Bella in school, unless some other idea pops into my brain. If you have any ideas for me, reviews and messages are appreciated. Have a great weekend. (:**


	9. Chapter 9

Hope y'all enjoy this chapter! It's going to be a lot shorter because I feel like my longer chapters have been turning people away from reading my story. Please, please, PLEASE pm or leave a review if you have any ideas on Bella's school life, because I have no idea how I'm going to write that as of now. I'm probably either going to portray her as the nerd who is bullied (with Nate who comes and saves her eventually), or the girl who stands up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

Hope y'all like this! (:

_Bleep, beep, beep. B-uhhleep, beep, beep._

My brain begins to moan as I hear the sound of my alarm clock. _It's already 6 o'clock? Great._

Although my mind feels like it's still asleep, I somehow pull myself out of my cozy bed and place my feet on the cold floor. I shiver as I walk into the kitchen and pull on my lavender bathrobe. As I turn on the coffee maker, I stare out the window, pondering the day ahead of me.

Once my coffee is ready, I pour it into a red mug and stir in sugar and cream; just how I like it. As I begin to sip my coffee, I hear footsteps emerging from Spencer's bedroom. I find myself disappointed because I was looking forward to drinking my coffee in silence; it's a lot more peaceful that way.

As Spencer approaches me, I tug on my sweatpants and night shirt to cover up my exposed body. As he approaches the table I smile at him. I figure that one smile today can't hurt; especially when I'm about to get the exact opposite at school.

"Excited?" Spencer questions me. I make eye contact with him and start to speak. "Not exactly," I reply with a dubious tone to my voice. He seems to notice my lack of confidence and tries to encourage me.

"You'll be fine," he jokes. "At least you won't be a scrawny, 11 year old genius in high school like me." I make eye contact with him, and his eyes are smiling. We both burst out laughing, having the mental image of an 11-year old Spencer ingrained in our brains. After chuckling and stirring our coffees for a few minutes I realize what time it is. _Oh Shitttt._

"Crap, Spencer, school starts in 45 minutes. We need to get ready," I holler at him a little louder than needed, suddenly rushing into my room to get dressed in my school uniform.

The uniform has a cream colored polo paired with a plaid green, yellow, cream, and black skirt. The outfit isn't super hideous until you pair it with a pair of black shoes and socks. They look like they were made during the Great Depression. _Hideous is an understatement._

As I realize that I've spend too much time daydreaming, I pull my semi-straight blonde hair back into a ponytail. My part lies on the left side of my head; I like most of my hair framing the right side of my face. I smudge some brown cream eye shadow on my lids and dust a thin layer of a warm toned eye shadow over the top to compliment my sapphire eyes, which were my mom's favorite feature about me. I quickly line my top lashes with mascara and eyeliner. _I look in the mirror to have a stranger staring back. I know I'm not looking great; but this will have to do. It's not like people will like my appearance more if I put a little more make-up on. _

I slip on my uniform and shoes and grab my backpack to prepare myself for school. I mentally check myself, trying to make sure I am fully prepared for my first day at _private school._

I get Spencer's attention by tapping on his shoulder; he must have been ready for a while because it looks as though he's finished a whole book by the time I've finished getting dressed. Though I may not have Spencer's reading ability, I still can read approximately 700 words per minute, which I've heard is fairly impressive. I can't stop thinking over all the statistics of private schools because on the way to the school, Spencer is having a full blown rant about education. _Spence now is not exactly the best time to be ranting in the car. Do you realize this is making me apprehensive?_

He seems to acknowledge my body position eventually, because once we're half way to Cedarwood Prep, Spencer stops talking and instead substitutes the nervous chatter with Coldplay music. While I'm listening to the soothing vibes of _Paradise,_ I can't help but recall what Spencer told me about music genres the other day. Spencer was rambling on about how slow and lower pitched music helps calm nerves and how Rock and Metal music makes people jittery and more susceptible to bad influences. I roll my eyes as I listen to the words in the music. _Sometimes Spencer Reid can be quite a character. _ I can't help smirking to myself.

All of the sudden, the car comes to a halt and we are parallel to the school I will be attending. The school has sand colored bricks that are positioned in a certain way to provide stability and neatness. It looks fairly new because of the opaque windows and green lawn. _Maybe this school won't be so bad after all._

As I'm gathering my stuff and taking it out of the car, Spencer stops me and pulls me into a hug. He kisses my forehead which makes me blush; I can't remember the last time I've been shown affection like this. As we pull away from the hug, Spencer tells me to be cautious. Of course, being the nerd he is, he tells me to do my best in school. I tell him I will. The education part of school is not the part that worries me; it's the socialization part that does.

He gives me a pat on the back as I step out of the car.

"Good luck kiddo," he calls to me, almost as if I was an elementary school.

I turn my head 45 degrees to see Spencer waving his hand as he backs out of the parking area. I smile and reciprocate the action. I give him a toothy grin and shout my goodbyes as he heads off to work, leaving me alone at this place that will now be my _school._

Great. _School._ I take a deep breath and walk towards the doors. _It can only get better from here on out, Bella, just give it your best shot and face your problems. _

Hey guys, please let me know of what you thought about this chapter! I can't wait to continue on. I also can not wait for the season finale of criminal minds. _FANGIRLING AS OF NOW._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

Hey y'all, I'm SO sorry for the late update. Because school is coming to an end it means PROCRASTINATION as well as tons of studying. I had a band event this weekend, which was A BLAST, but I'm back now, and I hope to have this published by Thursday afternoon. (I guess we'll see whenever I post it on the website.)

By the way, thank you to all that commented and gave me critiques; it motivates me to write more. Because I don't have many followers or favorites, I love it when I am left a review.

I hope y'all enjoy this chapter; I think the next few chapters will be better because I finally have somewhat of a storyline thought up before writing.

As I walk through the glass doors, I can hear Spencer's tires squeaking out of the parking lot. I can feel my heart hammering through my chest, as if I'm about to have a heart attack. _With all the stress I'm under, I'm surprised I haven't had one by now…_

My purple vans squeak on the blue, scattered carpet as I hear someone call my name. I circle around to see someone facing me and displaying their hearty, smiling face—_the principal maybe?_

"Ahh—you must be Bella," he announced. I reach out to shake his hand and give it a firm shake, but I still feel as if my hands are dripping with water. "I've heard your grades are excellent, which is impressive considering your situation. He portrays his snaggle-toothed smile as he starts walking in the direction of my class room. _How come he knows about my situation? Ugh, I'll have to talk to Spence later about this._ He turns his head over his shoulder as we approach my English classroom. "I'm Royce Greenburg, head principal, by the way. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any issues." I glance back to make eye contact as soon as his short, stocky figure disappears from my sight. _Hm...He doesn't seem half bad. But then again, it's the kids I usually have to worry about._

I peek through the slim, glass window on the door, and in response, view the teacher staring back at me. _I guess there's no turning back now._ I gulp as I enter the room and push up my black-framed glasses. My shoulders slouch and my purple and blue tiled backpack slides halfway down my back.

I walk up to the teacher's desk. She looks to be a young, Indian woman, who is about 27 years old. She welcomes me as well as introduces me to the class, although everyone in the class either snickers or doesn't give me the time of day to make an impression. _Jeeze. Judgmental kids. I miss hanging out with FBI agents all day. They make life so much simpler..._

I choose a seat at one of the back tables and throw my backpack down on the ground as I pull out my chair. Everyone stares at me. _Great, now they think I have temper issues too. Just great!_

The teacher gives us a reading and annotating assignment—which is one of my gifts in English—so I finish earlier than most of the class. My impressive speed-reading comes in handy in English class, although I can't read as fast as my brother. I zip open my backpack, revealing a handful of books including Fahrenheit 451, Water for Elephants, and In Cold Blood. I take Water for Elephants out of my backpack and open it to page 54, where I had placed my bookmark. I originally decided to read the book because of the movie's ratings; and because I have wanted to see the movie, I thought I should start reading the book as soon as possible.

In the middle of reading my book, I hear sarcastic and snooty tones drifting into my eardrums, so I cautiously look up, not yet realizing they're talking about me. As my head pops up, the room goes silent. I swear I could hear a pin drop.

I notice the smirks on their faces. _Oh how I wish I could go kick their asses…But I'm too shy and courteous to do that, like my mama used to say. _

I can feel old memories surfacing as my eyes fill up with tears, but I keep them from overflowing, knowing it would be social suicide if I cried in public.

As the bell rings, I snatch my binders and backpack while I scamper out of my English classroom. While I'm speed-walking to my next class, I get jammed into a locker by a tall, white kid, who is probably a senior. My books go flying everywhere, as well as my papers spilling out of my backpack.

"—Oops…" He snickers, laughing with his friends as I try to tower all of my books in my right palm. Just to my luck, the books fall again. My clumsiness strikes again as I panic and try to throw my books back into my bag. I can feel tears clawing the inside of my eyelids. _ Come on Bella, calm down, you can do this._

I am late to my next class, as well as to my other two classes today. The campus has a lot of twists and turns and can be quite confusing for a Pennsylvania native to read—considering how complex the city of Quantico is.

As I'm about to call Spencer to pick me up and cry softly in the back of his car, I see a familiar face out of the corner of my eye.

_Could it be—Nate?_

I speedily start walking to avoid an awkward conversation, but of course my attempt to escape fails me. "Bella, is that you?" I turn around, pretending as if I'm just now seeing him for the first time today. "Oh, hey Nate," I speak shyly, as a blush creeps up into my cheekbones. "What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Oh, I'm switching to private school, homeschool was too boring. Because my mom has such a high position in the government, we have enough money for homeschooling with a tutor. The bad part about it is that I don't have many friends, due to the fact that most kids go to public or private school."

"Oh," I whisper, my voice getting dry and scratchy from being around him, due to feelings that are developing—probably a crush, _which is exactly what I need. _"Today's my first day."

"How was it?" he asks, hanging onto my every word.

It takes me a while to respond, due to the fact that I'm lost in his blue eyes. They look like the night sky; a dark blue, wisdom shining through as well as kindness and generosity.

"..Not so great. Considering I don't know anyone... The statistics aren't exactly in my favor."

"Hey," his voices rises, "maybe we'll have a class together!"

As his mom walks out of the front office, she turns to see us talking. She approaches us. "Oh Bella, this is my mom, Erin Strauss."

She gives me a weak smile, and I give one in return. "We've met," she says indifferently. I bet the profilers can't even read her personality; she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, _that's for sure._

We strike up conversation before I leave, with subjects such as school and hobbies—though I don't spill much about myself. I'm happy to hear that we have all of our classes together. Nate's mother warms up as we progressively talk, and we discuss multiple matters until I get a text from Spencer that tells me he has arrived.

"I have to go," I rush, trying to grab all of my possessions. "It was nice seeing you guys." I smile as we all nod our heads. As I'm leaving the room, I feel a grin swipe across my face as I tell Nate goodbye. "See you tomorrow!"

As I'm walking out the door, I realize I've developed a huge crush—on Spencer's bosses' son. _Well, I guess we'll see how this turns out._

One thing I do not know until a few weeks later is that I will become best friends with Nate, and I will tell him about my entire life, discussing things I've never told anyone before. And I usually have reasons for having boundaries. Let's just hope Nate is the one exception to them.

Hope you guys liked this, I can't wait to write the next few chapters. Reviews are appreciated. You never know, I may read one of your stories and return the favor (;

Have a good day everyone!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: (This chapter is shorter btw. I might start making the chapters shorter. I'll probably make the emotional ones REALLY REALLY long though.)

I can't believe I've written 10 chapters already; it feels like I've barely started writing this story. Sorry if my writing is a little slow for you guys' taste; I'm gonna try to write more and make it more eventful hopefully. I might try to build Bella and Spencer's connection throughout the next ten chapters or so (as well as Bella and Nate's) , but I don't think I'm going to do that until something dramatic happens…DUN DUN DUH… Well, thank you guys SO much for the reviews, I love hearing from you. I don't care who you are, the president or a nerdy criminal minds fan girl; I enjoy reading the reviews all the same. Don't be afraid to chat me up if you're bored, need someone to talk to, or need advice. I love listening to other people and their problems (kind of weird, I know.) I think it's because I find people so interesting. Sorry for this rant about myself (I'm feeling kind of happy right now.) I'm going to start writing now. Hope y'all like this. (:

* * *

As I'm exiting the building, I feel my heart hammering in my chest. I attempt to take a deep breath to slow down my heart rate, but it doesn't work. _ My mom always did say I'd fall for someone someday. The only thing is, I always thought she would be here to discuss it with me. _

_We'd sit on our old red, leather couch on Friday nights, before my step-dad came into the picture. We would take photographs of each other doing stupid things, such as messily eating ice-cream. She was my best friend back then. Even though she changed in the last few years, I still loved her deep down, because I know there was something deep down in her soul that was pure. I hope she realized that I loved her in her last minute of life; sometimes I think about what she was thinking. Was she really THAT desperate for her life to be over? Something deep down hopes she misses me. I hope she feels guilty, although I wish I didn't feel this way._

As I'm sitting on the worn-down park bench, I slip a photo out of my red fossil tote, a gift from Emily. I take a look at the photo. The picture was taken by my mom's friend Evelyn, before they lost contact with each other. I was in my mother's embrace and both of our faces were covered in chocolate. I feel fire spreading inside me, burning me on the inside, but also reminding me of the good times. It reminds me of hope.

I'm suddenly snapped back to reality when I hear Spencer's car honk. I tug on my backpack and tote, which both fall over my right shoulder. I quickly shove the photo back into my bag, trying to leave the memories distant. Whenever I think about my past life, I can feel the water trying to emerge from my eyes. I can imagine tears falling out of my eyes for hours while crying silently. I know I have to try for her. Try for my mom. Because she didn't live her life, I need to live my life as she would have lived hers. I've got to do this for her. I could crumple now, choose to take some pills that emerge me in darkness, but that will be my last resort, if my life ever comes to a breaking point. It probably will at some point.

I open the car door and climb in, just to stretch a fake smile across my face as Spencer and I drive off into the afternoon daylight.

"How was your first day of school?" Spencer asks me with interest. I figure I should give him something to go on, considering he never had a normal 'high school life.' But I don't really either, so...

"It was fine," I reply. A slight snappiness articulates my words, showing my discomfort with school.

"That bad?" he asks. Spencer raises his unkempt, bushy eyebrows to look at me in the passenger seat. He looks really silly, so I start laughing. Soon enough, we're both laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Spence, you made a silly face; I've never seen you be silly one moment in your life. This is a once in a lifetime occurrence," I joke.

He looks away, hurt by my comment. Apparently he doesn't understand sarcasm.

"Spence, I was kidding," I respond, my words floating lightly off of my tongue.

"Oh," he smirks. He flushes a bit. "I guess you're going to need to teach me some of this language you call sarcasm."

"I plan on that," I retort with a grin pulled across my cheeks.

A little after our light conversation, Spencer and I arrive at our apartment. I head to my room to start homework while he starts making dinner—BLT sandwiches.

I figure I've had enough stress today to enjoy a sandwich. For the first time in months, I hold down my food after dinner, which makes me glimmer with hope. If I can do this once, maybe I can turn my life around. Maybe I can rule my own life.

I smile up at Spencer and he smiles back at me. His green eyes twinkle back at me.

After dinner, Spence and I load the dishwasher while watching Bones; a crime show including the FBI and a forensic anthropologist. I'm surprised at what the first episode teaches me; I think this show could grow on me. Supposedly, Spencer likes this show because it has a plot as well as some intellectual, true facts.

Afterwards, I take a shower, shaving my legs and everywhere needed, as well as shampooing my hair and washing my face. The water flows over me like a new layer of skin. I feel like I'm about to start a new life, free from all the imperfections of the old one.

I think to myself that everything will get better and that I can choose to be happy if I want.

What I wasn't wise enough to realize was that my past would follow me; even if I tried to forget it. The more I would ignore it, the worse the taunts would become. The worse the threats and horrors of my past would come to haunt me. No matter how hard I would try to make a new life for myself, people would ruin it for me. They would tease me, taunt me, and push me until I cracked. Or until things got out of hand, leading my life into a dark abyss that the Devil himself reserved for me.

* * *

Hey guys, things are going to start spiraling downward for Bella next chapter. Be sure to leave a review if you liked this, and if you have ideas for the next few chapters, pm me or leave a review. I would LOVE to hear from you. Everyone have a great weekend. I will be writing the next chapter as soon as possible! 3


	12. UPDATE!

UPDATE:

Hey guys, I am so sorry that I haven't been writing much! I just wanted to tell y'all WHY I haven't been writing, so that you guys KNOW I haven't been blowing this off.

Number one, school just got out on the 7th for me, so summer started. My family and I left for vacation, and because we were all gone for a week and I had absolutely NO privacy, I couldn't write. I'm pretty sure my parents would kill me if they found out I was on a site like this; they're super protective.

Also, the next day I had to leave for a bowling tournament (which was a blast, btdubbs.) It was a good five and a half hour drive from my location as of now, so I've been in the car a lot the past two days. Plus, the tournament was a two day tournament and started at 7:30 in the morning.

The other reason I haven't updated since the 31st (doesn't seem like it's been that long….) is because I'm restructuring/trying to fill in parts of my character and friends, etc. The chapter that was ORIGINALLY going to be chapter 12 was FAR TOO ADVANCED in the relationship to make the story flow. SO, I'm trying to write a few chapters in-between, figure out my story plot, and THEN I'll post that chapter.

I will try to post the next chapter soon. I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. Maybe my drugged state from the anesthesia will make me emotional and write better… I'll try to have the next chapter up once I perfect it, ASAP.

If you have any ideas for my story, I would love to hear them. Just click on the pm button, and send me a message.

Kay, thanks for your time. Hope you have a good day.

XOXO.


	13. Chapter 12

Hey guys! Thank you for your patience, I hope you like this next chapter. (:

As I awake the next morning, I rub my eyes, trying to free the sleepy dirt and tiredness from my eyes. I'm lucky to even get four hours of sleep each night; my nightmares and insomnia are becoming worse.

My mouth opens uncontrollably and I fail to stifle a yawn. I swing my limbs around on top of my bed in order to get the blood flowing. I jump onto the carpet, my toes enjoying the soft, cool feeling of the fibers. My feet stomp out to the kitchen area, and once again, I grab my red coffee mug and pour myself a cup of coffee as well as flavoring it to my pleasing. I sip the warm, sweet liquid as I attempt to wake up. As soon as I'm loading the cup into the dishwasher, Spencer approaches me.

"You know, you really should eat breakfast," he says to me, trying to persuade me to eat something. "No thanks, I'm not very hungry. Plus, I've never been a morning or breakfast person in the first place."

"Maybe you should start," he chuckles. "Did you know that most kids who eat breakfast opposed to kids who don't surpass the education standards," he rambles.

"Well, I'm not MOST kids," I say, trying to use his own words to jumble him up. It seems to work, and he looks back at me, not seeing the point in arguing with me. "Why don't you go get dressed," he suggests, giving up on his side of the argument. I smile in victory and raise my right eyebrow, giving him the 'I told you so' look.

Once I've pulled my ugly uniform on, with my purple converse-_which should technically not be allowed-_Spencer drives me to school. The drop off schedule basically mirrors the previous days', and I walk into the school, feeling almost as nervous as the previous day.

All my fears shatter when I see Nate sitting at my Algebra table. I grin at him, unintentionally being flirty by batting my long, curled eyelashes at him. He reciprocates the action, and gives a swift wave in my direction as I approach him.

"Hey," I call softly, only loud enough for him to hear. He smiles back at me with his warm gaze. His green eyes glimmer in the light and draw me into his trance even more. "Hey Bells," he says, his low voice vibrating with a raspy tone. As we start to talk, our eyes sparkle, not leaving each other's eye contact for a second. Every second seems to feel like eternity, and his gaze is making my blood pump faster, my heart beating as well as color flooding to my entire face. I unintentionally slip a smile in-between fragments of conversation, and his eyes sparkle in return. I can't help but wonder if he feels the intensity in the room when we're talking to each other. We completely forget we're in school, and it feels like we're the only two people in the room, our connection undeniable.

Unluckily for us, our algebra teacher notices our chemistry—and decides to call us out in the middle of class.

He's pointing at the board, a picture of a hyperbola drawn on the board. "Next, students, I will be teaching about hyperbolas. But we're not going to start until we get the attention of the whole class."

The whole class looks towards us, our body positions intense and comfortable, almost wanting to touch each other. Unluckily, we don't seem to notice all of the accusative eyes on us.

"Miss Harmon, Mr. Strauss, do you realize we're in Algebra class," the teacher says, his spectacles falling on the brim of his nose. He strokes his graying beard accusatively, attentive for our response to his statement.

We look up in surprise, just now realizing we've been interrupting the lesson. "Yes, we do sir," I speak, my cheeks blushing in surprise. "I'm sorry for the interruption."

"Apparently not sorry enough to stop flirting with Mr. Strauss here, are we?" he teases.

The whole class laughs, color swimming in my cheeks as embarrassment creeps up on me. Nate and I avoid eye contact, our gazes sticking to the grey and blue carpet. What I don't know is that Nate is secretly pleased upon this realization, while I'm feeling like a complete fool for being so easy-going and obvious about my feelings.

_Well, your mother did tell you that you couldn't mask your feelings when it comes to love._

I feel a smile creep up and sneak off of my face. I'm left to my thoughts about my mother, and I keep thinking about her touch, her seductive southern drawl, and her brown curly locks. I feel my heart slow down and almost go cold. My reactions to the mention of my mother are not exactly happy. They're more insecure, upset, and abandoned. I feel hurt, although no one else seems to see it in me. I seem to hide things a little too well.

My gaze turns to stone as I quickly start taking notes about hyperbolas and ellipses, trying to keep my mind off of-_her. _Someone seems to notice the transition though. As the class ends and the bell rings, Nate stops me in the hallway, noticing my change in composure.

"Hey Bella, are you okay?" he asks, his voice protective and soft.

Although I have feelings for him, he must not know I feel this way. He can't find out about my mom. Or the funeral I have yet to plan. I still haven't told Spencer about this; I can't find the right mind-set to tell him. I think I'll burst into tears if I tell him. The irony is biting me in the butt. The abandoned is planning the abandoner's funeral. This fact seems to make me all the more upset.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I quickly state, as I'm attempting to open my locker and change materials for my English class. Unfortunately for me, Nate's locker is above mine, so I have no excuse to escape his scrutiny.

"Sure you are," he says with enough sarcasm to throw me off guard. He notices my eyebrows arch in response, and tucks a lock of my wavy, blonde hair behind my ear. He stares at me with a Hotchner-like quality. He leads me towards the door of our English class, but stops outside the door. We go into a relatively chaotic area, so that we can talk without being heard.

"You know, it's okay to be upset," he drawls. "I heard that your mother died. Although I wasn't told how she died, I heard that it was enough to upset anyone. I want to give you my condolences."

I try to turn away to avoid the conversation, but Nate grabs my shoulder and pulls me back. Because he is significantly bigger than I am, it's not too difficult for him to keep me cornered. My eyes water, but I somehow hold them in.

"It's okay Bella," he says. He rubs his hand up and down my arm in an attempt to comfort me. He gazes into my eyes, showing me his support. It seems to work, because my eyes crack like eggs. The emotion pours out of them, showing him my worries.

"I...I have to plan her funeral…" I whisper, avoiding his eye contact at first. I slowly bring my gaze to meet his gaze. His eyes are sturdy, but are also affectionate and vulnerable, like mine. I can tell he hasn't had the easiest life either.

"You haven't told Spencer yet, have you?" he asks.

I shake my head in response. My head lowering to avoid the scrutiny I think that I deserve.

"I can tell him, if you want me to," he vocalizes. I stare into his eyes with vulnerability, my gaze not leaving his for a second.

"You would do that?" I ask, almost being a statement. My surprise seems to startle him, and his eyebrows crinkle in concern.

"Of course I would."

"Why?" I ask. I don't know why anyone would do something like this for me.

"Why?" he restates. "Because I care about you. You are the only person that has ever welcomed me in this whole school, in almost my whole life."

He gulps, trying to find the words to complete his thoughts. His eyes water and he looks up to keep the tears from falling. I can tell that there is more to this story than I'm thinking, but I don't push, knowing that if I do, he might leave, which I can't handle.

"You care…SO much about other people," he states, his voice full of emotion. "I know you might say that you might not have been the most forthcoming with Spencer's friends, but that's normal."

He continues. "When people die that you know—you receive a lot of pity. And I know that you aren't the type to accept pity, because I'm not either. I can tell you like to keep your distance."

"I want to do this for you because of the way you treat others—the way you treat me. You're so polite to even the people that tease you. You open doors for strangers and you try to smile to make someone's day. You talk to people when they're in trouble. I saw you with Mary-Kate yesterday. Everyone knows she just lost her mom to cancer. You gave her a hug, and told her that you thought she would have been a great person to know."

He pauses. "You didn't even know her, and you STILL felt the need to help her. And now you're her friend, her BEST FRIEND. When all of her friends fled, you came to the rescue. How can I ignore a person who cares THAT much about others? Of course I'll help you Bella."

His voice softens toward the end, displaying his soft, emotional voice. I feel a tear slide down my cheek. He quickly wipes it away. I reach in to hug him, and he does the same.

"Thank you," my voice quivers with emotion.

"No, thank YOU," he stops in mid-thought.

"You're my only friend here, and I haven't had many friends in the past."

His jaw clenches in emotion.

"That means—a lot to me," he says, his voice cracking in the middle of his thought.

We hug a moment before going into English class, and I can't help but realize how lucky I am to have such a jem like him. His breath-taking smile, his deep voice, and captivating gaze cause me to fall even more in love with him by the second.

Sorry for the delay guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Are you guys curious to find out about Nate's past? I can't wait to write about it. (;


	14. Chapter 13

Hey guys! Thank you so much for all of the reviews, they are so inspiring (: Hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

*Btw as of now, no one but Hotch and Bella know that Nate is Strauss' son.

* * *

After English class, I walk to History class with Nate, but we don't have the same class, as we just found out. He's in the class next door to me.

As we split ways, I'm upset that we're separating, but I know that I need some time to myself. Maybe I can use this class time to get a hold of myself.

As I'm sitting down in my seat, I hear someone calling my name.

"Bella, hey, is anyone sitting here?" she asks, pointing to the seat beside me.

I turn my neck to see a girl standing behind me with brown, curly hair cascading down her shoulders. She's wearing a black leather jacket over her uniform, probably to rebel against the stupid school dress-code. She has a black fossil tote swung over her left shoulder.

I recognize the girl as Mary-Kate, the girl I met yesterday in my P.E. class whose mother died last week.

I shake my head and she smiles at me as she slides into the seat to the right of me. I see her unloading her book-bag as I see one of my favorite books fall out of her bag.

"You read Jodie Picoult novels?" I question her, surprised at her interest in this author.

"Yeah," she responds. "After my mother died last week, this book helped me a little bit and made me realize there was probably a positive aspect to her death… The book being centered on a cancer patient makes it even more sensitive," she leads off, clearly about to get emotional.

I take a Kleenex out of my bag and hand it to Mary-Kate. She smiles at me in appreciation as she wipes the bit of smeared mascara from underneath her eyes. "Thanks."

"No problem, Mary-Kate," I say in sincerity.

"You can just call me Mary," she says as her mouth turns upward into a sad smile. "Mary-Kate is too long to say anyways," she vocalizes, and we chuckle in response. I suspect that the sudden change in nickname is due to her mother's passing.

After an hour of taking notes and reading the History book, Mary and I are the first ones to complete the assignment, so we exchange phone numbers and start texting.

* * *

Mary-Kate: Hey girl, whatcha doing after school?

Bella: I'm not sure...I've got some things to do...My mom passed last week, and I still have to plan the funeral, so I'm going to have to start doing that, but besides that, I'm not sure.

Mary-Kate: Aw, honey, I'm sorry. I'm not going to lie, the funeral is hard. But it can only get better from there right?

Bella: Yeah, I suppose so.

Mary-Kate: You wanna hang out after school? A little bit of ice-cream can't hurt your attitude (;

* * *

The mention of food upsets my stomach, but I can only agree to go, right? I don't want to abandon her, her mother just died of cancer. She didn't have it coming to her like my mother did.

* * *

Bella: Sure. I'm gonna have to go on a jog after school though, I don't want to put on much weight, lol (:

Mary-Kate: Don't kid yourself; you're thin as a rail! Let you treat yourself for once. (:

Bella: Oh fine…. :p

Mary-Kate: Oh yeah, who was that kid you were walking in with?

Bella: Who?

Mary Kate: You know, the tall, blonde kid. He seems to fancy you.

* * *

I can feel my cheeks growing hot as she brings up Nate. My heart starts to beat faster, and my hands get all sweaty. Apparently they're a lot sweatier than I thought, because when I drop my phone and try to pick it up, Mary-Kate gets to it first and hands it back to me.

* * *

Mary Kate: *smirks. I can totally see the way you feel about him, your hands get all clammy and your face flushes.

Bella: No it doesn't!

Mary-Kate: Okay, whatever you say, Bella. The bell is about to ring, I'll see ya after school (;

Bella: Yeah, I just gotta check with Spence to make sure its kay.

Mary-Kate: Kay, seeya! Ttyl. (:

Bella: Bye, seeya soon.

* * *

As soon as the bell rings, I pull out of my seat and rush out to my locker so that I can grab some things out of my locker. As soon as I'm about to leave, I hear the locker above mine slam, and I can feel a smile trying to form at the corners of my lips.

_Be cool Bella. Guys don't like clingy girls. Just play it cool._

"Hey Bella," I hear a voice booming from above me.

"Hey Nate," my voice flutters.

"What are you up to today," his voice drawls, making my mouth go dry.

"OH, just going to grab some ice-cream with Mary-Kate. What about you?"

"Probably just going to go home," he sighs. I can tell he wants someone to talk to, so I do the only thing I seem to feel right.

"Wanna come with us?" I question him, a smile dancing on top of my pinkly glossed lips.

"Oh, I don't wanna impose," his voice softens, not wanting to cross any boundaries.

"Mary-Kate will be fine with it," I say. "I'll check if you want me to."

I pull out my phone, and just as I'm about to text her, I receive a text.

* * *

Mary-Kate: Why don't you just invite Nate to come with us?

Bella: Actually, I was just about to ask if he could come.

Mary-Kate: Yeah, tell him he can come. Why don't we all meet up at Paciugo's around 4?

Bella: Sounds okay. Seeya l8r allig8r. (:

Mary-Kate: Rawr, someone's turning their flirty-meter up. (;

Bella: Shut up, he's right beside me! Anyways, I gotta go. Seeya.

Mary-Kate: KK.

* * *

I turn back my attention to Nate, just to realize how close we are standing to each other. _I really hope he didn't see those messages…_

"Mary said it was cool."

"Who's Mary?" he asks in confusion.

"OH, it's Mary-Kate; she said I could just call her Mary. It's easier that way," my voice floats.

"Oh, right," he says. His eyebrows slightly knit together, probably wondering about the sudden change in nickname.

"Where are we meeting?" he asks, his voice sparking with excitement.

"Paciugo's at 4."

"Alright, I've gotta check with my mom."

"Yeah, same with Spence."

* * *

Bella: Hey Spence, can I go grab ice-cream with Mary-Kate and Nate?

Spence: I don't recall you ever telling me about a Mary-Kate. How do I know she's trustworthy?

Bella: You don't. You have to trust me on this.

Spence: I suppose you can go. This 'Nate' guy sounds familiar. Do I know him?

Bella: Probably, you've seen him around the BAU before.

Spence: Oh, I wonder whose kid he is….

Bella: Well, I gotta go. I'll text you when I get there. Thanks. XOXO.

(Nate POV)

Nate: Hey mom, can I go grab ice-cream with some friends?

Mom: Depends who these 'friends' are. Are they trustworthy?

Nate: Yes. It's just Bella and one of her friends, Mary-Kate.

Mom: Don't try anything with them.

Nate: Honestly mom, who do you think I am? I'll be fine. I'm 15 and responsible.

Mom: Okay, whatever you say. Just be careful. Text me when you get there.

Nate: Will do. Gotta go. Love you.

* * *

"Hey, my mom says it's cool," my voice quivers slightly, my heart twirling inside of my chest.

"Same with Spence," Bella says, her hand twisting her wavy blonde hair, a habit I've noticed she's picked up. I can tell she's a little antsy because of her fidgety hands. I've noticed that whenever she gets nervous she starts playing with her nails or popping her fingers.

She smiles at me, her pearly white teeth glimmering. "You ready to go? We can walk if you want. It's about a half an hour walk, and it's 3:20 now, so we could leave now."

I look at her soft, blue eyes, and see the tenderness inside of them. They pull me into her, and I so badly want to take her hand in mine, but I'm too nervous (not that I'll admit that to anyone) she'll reject me. She feels different than any other crush I've had. I haven't had many friends or girlfriends, but Bella is different from anyone I've ever met. She takes my breath away when I glance at her. She looks stunning with her hair up or down. Her beautiful golden locks turn even more blonde in the sunlight, and her face is so dazzling with or without makeup. Freckles dot her nose (twenty-six that I've counted) in a charming manner, and I assume that she gets more freckles throughout the summertime. Her beauty engulfs me, and I get lost in her beauty.

You could say I'm falling for her. I'll take any chance I can to talk to her.

"Yeah, leaving now sounds great," my voice vibrates as I grab my army-green backpack and start walking out of the school with Bella.

* * *

Bella POV:

Once Nate and I walk to Paciugo's, we wait for Mary to arrive. About 10 minutes after we arrive, we see Mary walking through the entrance. She waves from outside, eager to see us. She comes in and embraces me with a hug, being the exuberant, confident person she is. Her positive quality is somewhat like Penelope's, which is probably why we became friends in the first place.

Once we purchase our ice-cream or 'gelato' as Paciugo's calls it, we decide to walk outside in the nice, September weather.

Nate is eating his vanilla and chocolate fudge gelato, while Mary munches on a fruit flavored combination and I consume an espresso-centered gelato. Being obsessed with coffee as I am, my friends wouldn't expect any less from me.

As we're walking out of Paciugo's, we're all arguing over which gelato flavor is the best.

"Well, it's obviously chocolate and vanilla; they're the classic flavors!" Nate argues.

"Who can go against fruit?" Mary asserts. "It's fresh AND delicious!"

"I obviously disagree with both of you; COFFEE WINS OVER EVERYTHING." I state my opinion, my voice continuously rising in volume level.

They both raise their eyebrows at me, their expressions becoming accusative.

"What? Coffee IS the best you know."

Nate chuckles and puts a hand on my shoulder, and I have to stop myself from shivering at his touch. "You have a PROBLEM. This is too much coffee. You know that I love coffee, but I don't consume THIS much coffee," he says, emphasizing the large gelato cup I'm eating out of.

While I roll my eyes at his ridiculous remark, Mary's laugh emerges; a squeaky, high snicker. "Bella, it's true. You need to drink less coffee. I've seen you have three helpings today; that's too much!" she laughs.

I try to defend myself, not wanting to agree with them. I know that I have an unhealthy obsession with coffee, but that doesn't mean I want to stop.

"Well, maybe if you tried some yourself, you would see how addicting it is!"

As I'm about to shove some of my espresso gelato in her face, Nate and Mary beat me to the punch.

"Not before you try some of this," they both yell in unison.

Right before I'm about to release the espresso gelato in my hand, my face is coated in chocolate and strawberry gelato.

They look at each other and then look at me, and start running.

"You're not getting rid of me that fast," I attempt to yell as I follow in their footsteps.

It doesn't take me long to catch up to them due to my running speed.

Because the side-walk we are walking on is alongside a forested area, I veer into that area to deflect attention. As Mary and Nate look back, they sigh in relief because they don't see me. They assume that I gave up running behind them.

How very wrong they were.

Right as they're slowing down, I decide to use the element of surprise.

Of course, being the flirt I am (not really), I decide that the best way to surprise Nate would be to jump on his back and shove my ice-cream in his face.

I veer back onto the sidewalk quietly. Once they drop their cautiousness, I take two steps before boosting myself up on Nate's back.

Of course, he freaks. I wouldn't expect any less.

* * *

(Nate POV)

Mary and I look back to see that Bella has vanished.

"She'll catch up eventually," Mary says while she is devouring her strawberry and orange flavored gelato. "Don't worry about it."

"I bet she's gonna come sneak up on us," I say, not trusting the fact that Bella is nowhere to be seen. Because I know how fast she can run, I don't doubt for a second that she's crafting some way to get back at us.

"Well, let her," Mary says, challenging Bella.

Just as we relax and start eating our Gelato, I hear footsteps. Before I can turn around, I feel something jump onto my back.

"JESUS!" I scream. "Don't do that; that scared me half to death," I start laughing.

"Not more than this will," she says sneakily as she shoves her Espresso ice-cream right below my nose.

I blink in surprise while I feel the cocoa-colored liquid run down my face. Mary laughs at us, realizing how stupid we look. Bella makes eye contact with me, and I know exactly what she's planning to do.

She hops off my back just in time for us to shove our gelato in Mary's face. Her jaw drops in surprise as she feels the cold gelato run down her face. She cracks a smile and chuckles as she does the exact same to us.

* * *

(Bella POV)

After about 15 minutes of us shoving each other's faces with gelato, we find a water fountain along the pathway and we rinse off our faces. Good thing none of us wear much makeup; otherwise we'd be a hot mess by now.

"Geeze Bella, you're really good at surprising people," Mary says as we're walking back towards Paciugo's.

"What can I say, I'm just the sister of a genius," I state somewhat sarcastically as we all start chuckling.

"Well, I've gotta go, so you guys have fun," she says as she's running towards the dark green mini-van. She winks at me, and my jaw drops in response. I roll my eyes.

We're waving as her car drops off, and we realize that it's already 7 o'clock.

"Oh crap, Spencer wants me back by eight, he texted me that earlier," I groan in disappointment.

Nate looks at me. "What about we take a jog back to your apartment complex, considering my house is on the same path," he suggests.

"Sounds good," I grin in response.

As we're running, I trip over a rock and land on the pavement.

"Arghhhchhhhhhhhhhhhh," I yell in discomfort.

* * *

(Nate POV)

As we're running at a fairly steady pace back to Bella's apartment complex, I hear a crunch behind me.

As I'm turning around, I hear her grunt in pain.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I look into her magnificent blue eyes. As much as she looks in pain, she denies anything.

"I'm okay."

"Can I help you up?" I ask, hoping for a little bit of contact between ourselves.

"Yeah, that would be nice," she says as she's trying to put pressure on her ankle.

"Let me help you there," I say as I grab her hand to pull her up. Her hand is as smooth as velvet, and smells like raspberries. I can't help the small smile that escapes from my mouth.

She seems to notice and smiles back at me. "What are you smiling at?" she asks inquisitively.

"Oh, it's nothing," I comment, as my smile grows and shrinks again.

* * *

(Bella POV)

As he smiles at me, I feel my heart flutter in my chest, and I grin in return. As I try to put pressure on my ankle, I feel a surge of pain and almost fall again. Thankfully, Nate is there to support me.

"That doesn't look like nothing to me," he comments as he helps me gain my balance.

"Shut up," I comment as I jab my elbow into his muscular, strong arm. He jabs me back, and I enjoy the physical contact that's exchanging between us.

"Let me carry you."

His eyes reflect the sunset, and my eyes become allured to his. Because I don't deny his offer, he scoops me up onto his back. I feel my arms become abundant with goose bumps, and can't stop the shiver that emerges from my body. He seems to notice as well, because he wraps his jacket around my back as he's carrying me back to my apartment.

As Nate is carrying me back to my apartment, I can't deny how right this feels; I seek so much comfort in his strong, sturdy build, as well as in his relaxed shoulder blades. I feel my body relax after a moment of him carrying me, and I look up into the sunset deep in thought.

Nate seems to read my mind and breaks the silence. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yeah," my breath releases, my eyes stuck to the beautiful sight before me, with the person I want right beside me.

He looks up at me, and we both smile at each other; not leaving each other's gazes for a minute.

We continue walking for about 20 minutes before we approach my apartment. The sun has dropped even further, and the light is leaving the sky. He gently sets me on the ground, and we stare at each other before we split ways.

"I had fun," he says.

I can feel my cheeks flush, and warmness creeps up into my cheekbones. "Me too," I say in pure sincerity.

"We should do this again," I say, not wanting to end our moment together.

"Yeah, we should," he whispers, his deep voice making me shudder. He steps closer to me, and I can feel my body reacting to his presence. Just as our eyes meet and we step in to close the space between us, I hear a loud crash, and we quickly step apart.

He looks at me the way every girl wants to be looked at, although I know I don't deserve him. This disappoints me. Although I want to be intimate with him, I know he won't want to deal with my mommy and daddy issues.

His green eyes sparkle in the sunset as his hand makes contact with my face. He quickly strokes my cheek, and I can feel my body temperature rise in response.

"You had ice-cream on your cheek," he smiles shyly.

"Thanks," I whisper in response, not knowing how to end the moment.

"I'll be going then," he says, as he retreats in the direction of his house. He makes a waving gesture, and I find myself returning the wave. "You have a good night," he mumbles.

"You too," I croak, lost in his eyes.

As I walk inside the apartment, I enter my room and close the door. I slide against the door and take a deep breath. I can't stop thinking about him—his touch, his scent, his voice…

The only thing that I don't know is that he feels the exact same way as I do.

* * *

Hey guys, I hope you liked this; I know I loved writing this chapter. I love playing with the sexual chemistry between Nate and Bella. If you guys have any input or comments, just leave me a review. (: Have a good day everyone!

XOXO


	15. Chapter 14

Hey guys! Sorry for the delay, I've been really busy with driving and everything. That being said, practice does pay off, cause I got my license. So obviously, I've been exploring my newfound freedom instead of being at home on my laptop.

I'm glad y'all liked the previous chapter. If you have any recommendations, you can pm me. If you like the chapter, I would love to hear from you. (:

* * *

After I get home from my Paciugo date with Nate and Mary-Kate, I decide that I should clean myself up. As I'm about to hop in the shower, I hear someone calling my name.

"Bellaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"Yesss, Spencerrrrrrrrrr?" I yell in response, recognizing his low pitched, but at the same time, squeamish voice.

"Can you come here; I have some things I need to talk to you about."

I hesitate a moment while trying to think of what he's talking about. After no such luck of remembering anything of importance, I comply with his suggestion.

My bare feet smack down on the tiled floor as I'm exiting the bathroom and throwing a t-shirt and a pair of athletic shorts over my undergarments.

As I approach him, I see a look steel through his glossy, brown eyes. _Oh wonderful, a lecture. Exactly what I need to make this day more complicated!_

Instead of immediately starting to interrogate me, Spencer decides to approach me with a different technique.

"How was school?"

Before I make eye contact with him and answer the question, my mind flashes back to the last few hours of my life—the teasing in algebra class, confrontations outside of English class, and texts between Mary-Kate and I.

The lie spits out of my mouth before I even have time to think whether my dad was horrible or mildly alright.

"It was good."

Well, I wasn't lying about the last part of my day. My date with Mary-Kate and Nate was a lot of fun; it added an element of liveliness to my day—one I'm sure I wouldn't have had if they hadn't been there with me.

They kept me from thinking about the funeral for a few hours of my life—the funeral that will most likely destroy me. I'm too scared of seeing her body. It will just remind me of all the secrets I've hidden in the past. If I stay away from her, then she'll stay away from me.

But, because I'm the next-of-kin, I'm planning the funeral. So option A is out the window, and I know I've got to attend the funeral and write a speech dedicated to my mother.

I have no doubts that I'll make a fool of myself; to be honest, I'm planning on it. The only question is exactly how messed up I will be.

I have so many deep emotions that I never got to display to her. I'm somewhat afraid that I'm either going to be completely irrational and morose, or will be angry and unreachable.

The anger that overwhelms me comes from abandonment. If she had told me she was leaving, yes I would have been heartbroken, but this is probably even worse. If she had 'left' me, she could have come back, but once you've committed suicide, there's no turning back.

The fact that the one person who cared the most about me did not care enough to stick around hurts. No one cares enough to stay here for me. I know it's selfish, but that's how I feel. No matter _what _I do, I'm always left alone at the end of the day.

The other emotion I feel is sadness; bitter, drowning sadness. I feel guilty that I could never protect us from _him—that she could never protect us from him either._ While I'm angry that she didn't realize how abusive he was, it also breaks my heart to realize how much she was wrapped around his finger. No matter how selfish she was, I can't help but empathize.

I'm surprised I haven't gone insane by now; there is too much flying through the thick skull of mine to comprehend.

(Spencer POV)

As Bella responds to my question, I can obviously see that she is not 'fine' as she claims. As soon as the lie spills from her mouth, I can see the internal battle playing out in her head. She's definitely not okay, and I don't expect her to be—_for now._

Losing a mother-_and a father, might I add—_is enough to drive anyone insane. The changes that occur after death are extreme, and I don't expect her to adjust for a while.

I understand that she's struggling. I have to admit, she hides it well—but I can tell she has inner demons that she hasn't yet dealt with, and I know she will have to deal with them eventually.

Sadly, there is not much I can do to help her, because most of her struggles are psychological. I'm her brother—I can comfort her, give her food, and shelter—but ultimately, it's _her _that will decide what to do with the resources.

I guess we'll have to do our best.

(Bella POV)

As thoughts race through my mind, I hear a noise that distracts me from my demons.

"Bella, it's okay to be frightened."

I look at him, almost unscathed, trying to build up a wall of protection.

"I know you're scared about the funeral; anyone would be. When Maeve died, it was awful to go to the funeral, but I did it. You know why? Because it was my duty."

He takes a deep breath and continues.

"She was the love of my life, and she deserved so much more than she got," his voice shakes as he continues talking. He draws in a rush of cold air as he speaks. "I read a Thomas Merton quote at her funeral. It was the only thing we had—the only thing we ever truly shared. The only tangible thing," his voice cracks.

I look up at him empathetically. His brown eyes glance at me, full of hurt and compassion. "If you didn't know," he continues, "Maeve and I didn't meet until the day she died. We were pen-pals and talked on the phone…She had a stalker; she couldn't travel to the grocery store without being frightened to death…"

His lips curve slightly upward at the thought of her before they quickly turn down to their normal state.

"The stalker eventually got ahold of her, and didn't want to believe that Maeve and I were in love; she was convinced that she was more intelligent than Maeve, and didn't want to be told otherwise. She wanted to believe that we were soul mates, but she was in denial. In the end, no matter _what_ I said, she didn't care. She killed Maeve before we even got a proper introduction. I never got to tell her how I feel."

I'm speechless. My head rises to make eye contact with Spencer. He's got tears swimming in his eyes, and eventually, one falls down his left cheek. His lip quivers slightly as he tries to continue.

"The point of this, as I'm sure you're wondering, is that it's okay to be upset over death. I don't expect you to move on right away. I do know what it's like to be in your shoes."

"Well, not exactly in your shoes; you're a 15 year old girl, where-as I'm a 30 year old adult. A lot of factors vary, but you get my point."

The corners of my lips twitch into a smile for about a second, but return to the frowning expression that I call normal.

"Spencer, I'm so sorry, I didn't know about—her."

I avoid using her name to cause him less pain, knowing that whenever I hear my mom's name, it hurts even worse.

"How long ago was this?" I ask, curiosity dancing off of my words.

"About a month before you came," he states. "Actually, 3 weeks, 5 days, 18 hours, and 24 seconds."

My feet drag towards him as I reach over for a hug. "I'm so sorry." A tear slips from my blue eyes, which I'm sure are about to start leaking more than just a few tears.

Before I can hug him, he reaches out for me, his large, bony fingers finding their way onto my shoulders. After the initial contact of skin, we relax a little bit. My neck peeks over his left shoulder and I stare at the caramel covered wall in front of me. I allow my eyes to blink, allowing more tears to fall onto Spencer's shoulder.

We accept each-others embrace for a while before retreating to our nightly schedule. Immediately, I can tell our relationship has lunged to the next level. We're a lot more comfortable around each other after our discussion, and I feel like I can be myself around him more than I used to.

As I'm getting ready for bed, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. As I pick it up, I look at the I.D. of the messenger.

It's Nate.

I open the text message in order to see what he's saying.

* * *

Nate: Hey, Bella, I just wanted to tell you that I had a lot of fun tonight...And that um…I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me on Friday night….if you would like.

I read the text message, and I am shocked in response to his request.

Me? Why would he want to date...me?

As soon as I'm about to respond, I receive another text.

Nate: Well, it's okay if you don't want to, I totally understand if this is uncomfortable.

Aw, It's so adorable that he would say that. I pull out the keyboard on my iPhone and start to type.

Bella: I would like that a lot. What time? I just have to ask Spencer first.

Nate: 6ish? I'll pick you up, if that's okay with you. (:

Bella: Yeah, that should be fine, let me check with Spencer.

* * *

I walk out to the kitchen to find Spencer. I quickly search throughout the house to find him until I find him curled up in an armchair in the family room.

"Hey , Spencer…?"

"Yeah," he responds as he looks up from his book.

I gulp before I ask my question. "Um, do you think it would be okay if Nate and I hung out Friday night…?"

Spencer looks up at me in surprise. He seems shocked. I guess he didn't think that I would be wanting to go on a date so early in the school year.

"Not before I meet this kid."

I start to argue with him, but he puts up a hand to tell me to be quiet. I huff, and then allow him to continue. "Why don't you invite him over for dinner tomorrow night?"

_Ugh. Another chance for embarrassment. Great…_

"Yeah, I'll ask." I pull my phone out in response and send Nate a text.

* * *

Bella: You wanna come over for dinner? Spencer wants to meet you.

Nate: Yeah, none of his team know that my mom is "Agent Strauss." This is going to be kind of awkward. I'll meet you over there tomorrow at what time?

Bella: 6 sounds okay.

Nate: okay.

Bella. KK cool. Brb.

* * *

I look back up at Spencer.

"He said that would be fine."

Spencer looks up at me, but I can't place his expression. "Okay then, I guess we'll be meeting tomorrow then. Go to bed, you've got school tomorrow."

"Kay, night Spencer." My words drip with sarcasm. He rolls his eyes and tells me to actually get some sleep. I give him a smirk and retreat into my room.

As I'm trying to fall asleep, my eyes flutter open and shut, wondering how the date with Nate will go. I smile and my heart flutters in response to the thought of a date. Considering I've never been on one, this is going to be extremely nerve-racking.

As I'm thinking about the events of the next few days, my brain finally shuts down and my eyes flutter to a close.

* * *

Hey guys, hope you liked this. I hope it wasn't awkwardly worded, it kind of sounded like it in the beginning. Please review if you have any comments! (:


	16. Chapter 15

**Hey guys. Sorry if this story is kind of awkwardly written; I think the first person P.O.V. is making it more difficult to write because I'm trying to make it too personal (if you know what I mean…?) And since my life is not even close to the main characters', it's somewhat difficult to dig into my emotions. **

**Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! If you have any tips for my writing or have any suggestions or questions, pm me. I would love to hear from you!**

**Summary of story:**

**Bella's mother committed suicide. Her father was abusive, but died in a drunk driving accident, cause her mom to commit suicide. She now lives with Spencer, but is having a hard time coping with everything. She has made two friends; Mary-Kate and Nate. They are having dinner with Spencer so that he can determine if Nate is "safe" enough to date his sister. **

***At this moment in time, none of the team know Strauss has a child besides Bella.**

Time: 5:00 pm; Thursday, September 5, 2013

A grin spreads upon my face as I find the perfect outfit to wear to dinner with Spencer and Nate.

Yesterday, I went shopping with Emily, Jayje, and Pen, and because they figured out that I had a date, they insisted on buying the entire mall. We bought everything from make-up to accessories to dresses and shoes.

Inside, I was secretly jumping for joy. Not that I'd tell them that. There's a voice inside my head that's telling me not to be happy, but for now I'm ignoring it.

When I lived in my old house, I didn't have a lot of money, food, or clothing. I didn't go shopping. At all.

When my step-dad was living with us, we were too terrified to leave the house. He didn't trust us, and one wrong move could kill us. It was easier to live without the things that I wanted. I learned to be content with what I had.

Every now and then, when it was a good day, he would bring us gifts. I got a caribou knitted scarf and a new pair of Nike shoes once.

Of course, with every gain comes a loss. Whenever we would make him mad after receiving the gifts, he would become furious. Some of those times were the worst he ever treated us. I mean, of course I tried to stop him from hurting _her, _but I could only do so much when he turned to me.

I still miss her. Every day, in fact. I miss her rosemary perfume, and her sweet, honey-suckle voice. Her eyes used to sparkle when she was with my dad—before he left and she re-married with Rob.

I'm trying to forgive her, hate her, love her, and punish her at the same time. I have so many conflicting emotions. I've reached the conclusion that our relationship was very confusing, but I know I still love her, deep down, even if I don't want to acknowledge it. She will always take a toll on my heart whether I like it or not.

I'm snapped back to reality when I hear my cell-phone ring with a text message. I see that it's Mary-Kate.

* * *

Mary-Kate: Hey gurl, good luck with your dinner date (; I'll be watching…

Bella: You better not! You know that Spencer is a genius. He'd catch onto your shenanigans in a heartbeat.

Mary-Kate: Oh fine. You're no fun. D: Have fun with your romance… Maybe you'll be lucky on your DATE tomorrow and end out making out in the middle of a movie theater.

Bella: Oh, stop. We'll see what happens as it goes. We're taking it slow as of now. I think, at least.

Mary-Kate: Won't be for long. Seeya at school later!

* * *

After I talk to her for a couple of minutes, I look back to the dress that is lying across my flower-budded bedspread.

A lilac colored knee-length dress stares back at me. Its fabric is bunched around the bust and gets tight around my hips before falling to a waterfall of ruffles. It's gorgeous. It's not too simple or extravagant; perfect for a time to impress a guy.

Before I moved here, I would never let anyone see this side of me. I've never thought of myself as "good-lucking" or "hot", so I never would have tried on anything like this. My tom boy side would take over. Yes, I wear make-up, but that's different. I don't have the confidence to go out without make-up because I'm self-conscious, and I don't wear dresses because I don't think my body is good enough to pull it off.

Everyone else seems to think I'm crazy though. JJ and Emily think I have the perfect "bod" as Derek calls it, and Garcia thinks my petite figure (I never thought of myself as thin…) can pull off anything.

Lately I've been growing closer to Derek; after he heard that I'd been in the BAU gym, he made himself make time for us to hang out. This weekend we're going to play basketball with all of the team, which is going to be hilarious, considering most of them never play basketball.

He also insists that I tell the team about this "date" after it happens. I think they're crazy, but I know they'll go to extreme measures to dig for gossip. _Especially Pen._

As I'm pulling on the dress, I yank a pair of dull, grey heels onto my feet. I'm not a fan of sparkly silver or black, surprisingly as that may come across.

Right as I'm lightly curling my hair, applying mascara, and a frosted pink colored eyeshadow, I hear the doorbell ring. _Oh shit, is it that time already?_

I begin to slightly panic as I tidy my living quarters and perfect my appearance. Once I realize that my hair will not get any better than it is now, my heels clunk on the hardwood floor as I'm approaching the door.

(Nate POV)

Even though I know that this is not a date, I can't help but be nervous. My stomach flutters, my hands sweat, and my feet pace back and forth as I'm standing outside her apartment.

When I think of her, I forget everything. Her smile lights up my world. She's compassionate and caring. I know she's got hidden emotions, and I know she's had a hard life, but we'll come to that bridge when we have to. All I know is that I want _her._

Her lilac scent.

Her sweet laugh.

Her dazzling eyes.

I can't stop thinking about her. I know I'm falling for her.

I know guys say that about every girl. I do, but she's different.

Bella's different, and I'm going to let her know that.

(Bella POV)

My hand shakes as I grasp the cold, hard metal and twist the doorknob.

There stands Nate. He's holding a dozen pink roses. _Aw, he didn't… _

My heart skips a beat when I see him holding those roses. The pink petals caress his hands as he waits to be invited into the house. Time stands still, and it feels like we're the only two people in the world.

**Hey guys, sorry for the short chapter. It just seemed RIGHT to end it right here. And dramatic. I really felt that captivating the emotions would make the dinner all the more intense, romantic, and awkward at the same time. I really hope you guys liked this. Please let me know what you would like to see during the date! **

**By the way, I don't think this story is anywhere near done. At this rate, it's going to be 40 chapters long. I haven't had the twist happen yet. It will probably happen within the next five chapters. (:**

**Thanks for your time!**


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